I've Seen this everywhere

So the bold are things I've done, the italic is suposed to be what I want to do but the formatting is a little wonky so I just did have done and not done. Bad excuse for a post but I love lists.

1. started your own blog
2. slept under the stars
3. played in a band
4. visited hawaii
5. watched a meteor shower
6. given more than you can afford to charity
7. been to disneyland/world
8. climbed a mountain
9. held a praying mantis
10. sang a solo
11. bungee jumped
12. visited paris
13. watched a lightning storm at sea
14. taught yourself an art from scratch
15. adopted a child
16. had food poisoning
17. walked to the top of the statue of liberty - and I never want to do this again!
18. grown your own vegetables
19. seen the mona lisa in france
20. slept on an overnight train
21. had a pillow fight
22. hitch hiked
23. taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. built a snow fort
25. held a lamb
26. gone skinny dipping
27. run a marathon
28. ridden a gondola in venice
29. seen a total eclipse
30. watched a sunrise or sunset
31. hit a home run
32. been on a cruise
33. seen niagara falls in person
34. visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. seen an amish community
36. taught yourself a new language
37. had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. seen the leaning tower of pisa in person
39. gone rock climbing
40. seen michelangelo’s david in person
41. sung karaoke
42. seen old faithful geyser erupt
43. bought a stranger a meal in a restaurant
44. visited africa
45. walked on a beach by moonlight
46. been transported in an ambulance
47. had your portrait painted
48. gone deep sea fishing
49. seen the sistene chapel in person
50. been to the top of the eiffel tower in paris - no thanks! (are you getting the picture, I don’t really like heights :)
51. gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. kissed in the rain
53. played in the mud
54. gone to a drive-in theatre
55. been in a movie
56. visited the great wall of china
57. started a business
58. taken a martial arts class
59. visited russia
60. served at a soup kitchen
61. sold girl scout cookies
62. gone whale watching (I think I want to go every summer :)
63. gotten flowers for no reason
64. donated blood
65. gone sky diving
66. visited a nazi concentration camp
67. bounced a cheque
68. flown in a helicopter
69. saved a favorite childhood toy
70. visited the lincoln memorial
71. eaten caviar
72. pieced a quilt
73. stood in Times Square
74. toured the everglades
75. been fired from a job
76. seen the changing of the guard in london
77. broken a bone
78. been on a speeding motorcycle
79. seen the grand canyon in person
80. published a book
81. visited the vatican
82. Bought a Brand new car

83. walked in jerusalem
84. had your picture in the newspaper
85. read the entire bible
86. visited the white house
87. killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. had chickenpox - I had to get a vaccine for this, because I never got the chickenpox as a kid
89. saved someone’s life
90. sat on a jury
91. met someone famous
92. joined a book club
93. lost a loved one
94. had a baby
95. seen the alamo in person
96. swum in the great salt lake.
97. been involved in a law suit
98. owned a cell phone
99. been stung by a bee

One Good thing One Creative Thing ! 30 Days Day 1

Is anyone else sick of listening to me whine? So in an effort to repair the damage I have done to everyone's ear drums (or eyes as this is a blog) I am going to start posting good things again. I complain about not having time to make things yet I stay up late reading dumb things on line. So to try to change my general mood I am going to try to post one thing every day here about something creative and good that has happened in my day (exclusive to the holiday madness) so for the next 30 days this will be the one good thing one creative thing blog.

Today's one good thing is sending resume and letter for a great sounding job with Voc Rehab as an employment specialist. The one creative thing was basically finishing one sleeve of Alder's sweater (one cuff and one sleeve to go).

If you are feeling overwhelmed by everything right now feel free to join me in this activity. 

Take a look at this post by Julie for more thoughts on all the shifts of being in your thirties.

Drift

My reality with you is drifting
we live further in the future
afraid of all the words and lists of now
we drift to separate rooms
we look out separate windows
lonely not knowing how to connect

but we are trying to find that space
in time
in place
here
where we can come together and remember

trying to make solid out of the pieces,
the little islands that we have become
islands in a sea of feelings and influences
not looking for bridges but to change the geography
to slide the plates of our life until a new Pangaea is formed.

Groove

Some days we just have it. I wake up to his small hands on my face and I know we are in sync. On days like that we float through the morning routine of eating and dressing and happily get out the door for our day's adventure. Perhaps it's a walk to the library (the current favorite) or driving to a close by town for an errand and wandering the streets. On days like this we shift from one activity to the next without trasition. Those days we come home to an afternoon of drawing at the kitchen table or playing "apples and cherries" under the covers as we warm up.

After my last post I had really pursuaded myself that things were so bad, but then the next morning our day went so well and I realized that most of the days do go so well and that the stresses that envelop me are often more in my mind than out in the world. I am trying to hold this idea close to my heart as I approach the mountain of "business" I have to deal with... You know it sort of works.

Now I would like everyone who is reading this to help me send good healthy feelings both to a good friend of mine who is having a tough pregnancy and to my aunt who is having a lung biopsy tomorrow.

In the Middle of the Night

I wake myself in the middle of the night, stresses overwhelm me. I roll over and lay there eyes closed but sleep is not near. I toss I repostition before I admit to myself that I am up. That once again my night will be spent trying to fill my mind with fiction and other people's lives until I lull myself into believing that it is okay. I am not alone in my wakefulness Kevin bundles up and heads out to the park for late night meditation. Only Alder sleeps, fitfully in our bed calling out, most often "Sauce!" or "Mama". I leave him be until his calls begin to wake him and then I will crawl back into bed with him. He is the salve that brings sleep.

And then the morning will come, too quickly, with requests for apples (imaginary) and oats (real) and we stumble through the begining of our day until the mud of the sleepless night leaves us and we transition to the next day. All of the stresses of the night before surface early as we discuss our plans. Again Alder soothes me with his immediate needs for play and walks and love. He focuses me on the now, not ignoring the issues to be delt with but not letting me become paralyzed by them, immobility is not possible. So we go for long walks through town or aimless drives.

As we move forward through the thick fog I wonder when it will be easier, when will I be able to just relax and love?

I ask not as a person who's life is done to her but as one who's life keeps escaping her. I never loose my keys, but somedays it seems as if I have misplaced my life somewhere along the way.

(I promise that these posts will get cheerier, a little more Alder and a little less stress, this is after all a blog for him)

How to get where you want to be...or the reality of the immediate needs versus the eventual goal

"House!" he said as he dumped the bin of blocks onto the floor.

For a long time now I have had goals for what I want my life to be like. I want to have the ability to choose for Alder the best educational setting that I can, and that I want to raise him consciously and full of creativity and passion. Ideal I would love to stay home with him a lot and work some as a writer. Of course that isn't our reality right now. The economy is effecting how many clients Kevin is seeing and it just isn't enough. Since we moved I have been working part time doing high end retail at a natural parenting store (read cloth diapers organic clothing, baby slings breast pumps and the like). It is a job I have a hard time with, I love helping new parents to choose the right diaper set up or baby sling but I have a hard time with the need for $60 children's hat or $18 a pair underwear. But it was a job that I got quickly and I love all the people I work with.

But our bills (which are not very much to begin with) are out of our reach still. A few nights ago I couldn't sleep and I went looking on-line for a new job when I found one that looks like I would be a good match for, it pays better and it is still only twent hours a week. But the best thing about the job is that it is one where I would be helping people reenter the work force. Teaching them to write resumes, do interviews, help them with employment skills. It would be making a difference in a real way. So once again I am rewriting my resume and fiddling with words to make me seem like the right person for this job.

I haven't even gotten the job and I feel bad. I am not ready to send Alder off for childcare yet, not as much as this job would require. I am guilty of being a dreamer about how our life should be but don't want to go through the in between stage of working other jobs while working towards becoming a better paid writer and while Kevin builds a consistant client base but we have to.

I'll admit I have a lot of envy for the lives of many of the women whose blogs I read, I want the house, the calm life, the ability to choose what I do with my time. But this envy isn't a negative it has helped me to clarify my goals and makes me realize that to end up living this life I aspire to I must be active in creating it. So I start slowly, I write article topics, I design cards, I look for work, I build toys for my son, I take him to to the woods alone and with friends, and I find joy with the new and deep connections that I am making with my family. But it doesn't mean that I don't stare longinly at the crisp photos taken with better cameras or wonder what it would be like to live in a space wholly our own.

These are only examples the reality is much more complex because there is an outside world impossing itself on me and there is a husband who doesn't always agree with me and there are days where I much rather look at blogs of other people's life than live my own.

For our fifth anniversary

Eight years ago we met, a blind date and we ended up tree climbing. Five years ago today we were married. I still look forward to seeing you everyday that we are apart. Our life isn't perfect but I wouldn't want to share it with anyone else. I love you Kevin, lets keep creating stories and having adventures.

Brief Diversion

Long day, boxes to pack, needed a little inspiration.

Ani Difranco Interview with Mindful Mama Magazine from Mindful Mama Magazine on Vimeo.

Is there anyone more motivation than Ani?

All at once now

Just a little brief update before the chaos ensues. Today I am going to a "working interview" as in I am going to work for a few days and get paid then we'll discuss if we are the right fit. Tomorrow we pick up the keys for our new apartment, Friday we work on moving, Saturday is the BIG move day (that's relative since we're doing it in a Vitara) and it also happens to be our 5th anniversary. Sunday Kevin works and we...well that's a good question. Luckily we have an overlapping month in the apartments to move (it's 80 miles round trip). Now if I could only manifest a pickup truck.

About a year ago I was doing this. Moving was so exciting then. Now it hardly seems like we've started packing.

Have a good Wednesday.

Healing

It's been a few days of healing for me, taking some time to think and sleep. I am slowly coming back to myself, tired but not so hopeless. I'm trying to do more, make more and plan less. I'm not very good at this, I'm a planner by nature. I think I need some sort of project to invigorate me, something personal and crafty. Even though there is so much going on here I need some focus.

(I just sort of like this little guy from my sketchbook)

I am the Storm

I'm not sure if I should be posting this here, it's sort of personal.

We are broke , search the couch for change to buy milk sort of broke. I didn't think we were going to be here again. It wasn't the supposed to be this way. But then no one ever plans on going broke and certainly not when they spent a year writing a business plan and securing funding for the business- the business that your husband went to graduate school for four year to do.

Where does this leave you but borrowing money from your parents again, to pay rent. Of course, this money comes with the rights. The ones where they can start telling you what you should be doing now. The ones that mean despite being 35 and despite the many hours on our own hashing out what went wrong and what we need to change, they are entitled to go through all of this again with the biting feel of parental disappointed, akin to being fifteen.

Your decisions are judged and everything you do is doubted. Bring into this a happy 2 year old who everyone loves. Suddenly he is the subject of scrutiny, is he speaking enough, does he eat the right things, what if he's sick can we care for him? You feel watched from afar, you try to give all the right information, the truth highlighting progress; both your's and the 2 year old. But it is difficult when most days are spent just getting between morning and bedtime. It's hard to make enough progress for people when you work at the speed of life and their expectations are at the speed of imagination. It's hard to explain how life can't be put aside to make things happen, how a crying son can't be left to later. Then there are the few minutes a day you used to have yourself can. Those few moments that are all you have left, except that someone else has a claim on them. All of this adds to the stress, the feelings, and to the life you are still living.

The feelings are so complicated you are almost 35 and you have a 2 year old who you are moving again for the 2nd time since he was born. There are days you can't look at his always happy face because it makes you cry. You know that he is witnessing all those things in your house that you swore against before you had a child. It makes you want to cry knowing that every time you correct him (no hitting, no ripping books) he cries a little longer and a little louder. You are afraid that you will ruin this happy child. But you are so tired and stressed that it is hard not to be frustrated in front of him, and even with him. It hurts more when you know how you want to be with him and haven't the energy to do it.

Instead you two take long walks-where you can think while he jumps from steps and later sleeps in the stroller- and play with puppets sometimes, which is easier than other games. Other days are good you get out and see friends (and their chickens) you make your meals together and draw together. On the good days there is some order to things there are games and naps. On those days it seems like it could stay that way, but you can't do it not with all the stresses in your life. Maybe the next morning, or the next, something will set off again and life will not fit. You will be in the playground too long or too short, the very favorite wooden spoon will be missing just as the sink is filled for playing. Then you will both be grumpy, because you won't get to play and I won't get a rest, especially when Baba is gone for eleven hours for work- leaving us without a car.

To be honest there are days that are worse- ones where I wake up a storm and nothing you or Baba does will make it better. My tears will flow. I will want to hide, and I will want to be the center of attention. I will stomp my feet and yell or I will curl in a ball and cry. On these days I ruin everything for everyone, even if the fight is inside of me it spills out around me. Baba needs to pick up the pieces of debris; the frightened child, the crumpled Mama. As the storm in me drifts I start to look for the possibilities. The next day will be delicate, all of us recovering from the storm but the next will be back to normal, until our stresses begin to rise again.

It's a do nothing sort of day

I feel like sitting here all day eating chocolate Newman's Os and playing on Flickr. Instead I really should be cleaning up the house and starting to pack up, maybe sew something. Alder and Kevin went up to his office to build a table. It's awfully quiet in the house right now.

Wishing everyone a peaceful day.

good morning

I managed to have two hours to myself this morning before anyone else was up. I used it well journaling and drinking twig tea. Now the house is alive with the chaos the two boys I live with create.

a rare pause
robin looking in the window
silence
tea pot interrupting
words pushing through the silence
brown ink spilling from my sleepy mind
a few moments where I am part of the morning
another part of the earth
coming into focus with the rising sun

Now now now

I am a planner. I spend hours of my day thinking about what we are going to do tomorrow, next week, five years from now. Lately it's been almost obsessive. I was constantly thinking about things I wanted to do with Alder when he gets older. I was thinking about what our life would be like once we're settled. The list went on and on. All of this focusing on the future means that I have been sort of miserable with the now. The future is always perfect since it isn't corrupted by reality of things like dishes, bills, or grumpiness.
April 2008 June 2008

Then yesterday I took Alder out for lunch at a restaurant that we hadn't been to for months. Sitting there looking at him eating the same meal I was hit by how much I had missed out in the last few months because I was not focused on what we are doing now. Where had I been while he changed so rapidly? what was I doing while we were taking walks and playing?

Well, I had been preparing reading books and more books I had been waiting for a certain start to things. I must be a dolt or something because it has taken me 22 months to really get that right now is what I should be excited about. Yes I should be planning tomorrow and possibly next week but I should be doing these things to be living with the world I am in now. With the risk of sounding like a new-age book I need to focus more on living in the now.

To that end I am starting to make more immediate plans. It is summer and we live in Vermont, there are farms to visit, trails to hike, festivals to enjoy. On that note I plan on filling this space with more activities and less ponderings, at least for a while.

Motherhooding

Getting ready Halloween 2005

Meredith had a wonderful quote on her blog from Elizabeth Gilbert: "When you sense a faint potentiality for happiness after such dark times you must grab onto the ankles of that happiness and not let go until it drags you face-first out of the dirt. This is not selfishness, but obligation. You were given life; it is your duty and also your entitlement as a human being to find something beautiful within life, no matter how slight."

To me this is what motherhood can seem like. Some days it seems as though life with A is just a series of actions that waiver from making him happy and getting stuff done. Those are the days where it is a struggle to find the balance of joy or contentment for both of us. I know and understand what I need to give him for happiness, the things to do with our days and minutes that will make him smile and be at peace. But there is a certain sense of unrest that I feel sometimes when there are things to get done or ideas I want to get down on paper or projects I want to start. Days like that I am not a good catch partner, I can not bring myself to love every dandelion he brings me.

I miss alone time when there wasn't a list of things to get done. I miss when the creative process was always the first on my to do list. But I am learning how to include him in my process, when I bake bread he has his own dough to knead and roll. He has his own drawing space, that he goes to when he wants to draw but he wants me there with him, not drawing my own things but sitting there just watching. I want to be him there, I would scribble and draw excitedly. Instead I watch as my linear son is more interested in lining the markers up and balancing the tops on the table.

So I am learning to search out the things to do that we both love to do. We go for long walks, throw sticks into streams, make mud, we bake and we sing silly songs. Still when we come home and we are sitting on the floor stacking jar lids I turn on the radio and occupy my mind with the world through public radio. I am engaged in both directions but I am also full of guilt that I can not love spending every minute in Alder's world.

What is the secret to entering that world? I know I go there sometimes, and the day goes by smoothly, we both get things done to fill our souls but it is a mystery how and why those day come together. Other days I rush to negotiate time alone to finish just a little of what needs to get done, never getting all the way through to creativity. This blog , most days, is my is my creative outlet.

Yet I agree that we need to holding onto happiness, because it is a fight that we are in. A fight with norms a fight with expectations and with loss of autonomy. So I try every night to look back and see what worked, where we were both happy, and I try to hold it close to me and try to live in it so that the next day I can bring these moments back and add more of them to our day. And maybe, just maybe, I'll have the energy to write a few pages or make something after he goes to bed tonight.

The Rainy Day- in the life of

Please note there is a guilty admission at the end of this post. Don't think any lesser of me for it ;)

2 am a small warm body creeps his way into bed and nestles down for another five hours of sleep.

7am I am awakened by kisses, pats on the head and finally a few tugs of my hair.

7:30 am a family breakfast of corn porridge (we are beginning to think that Alder has a thing for condiments, any condiment)

8 am Mama heads out for the Post Office and the shop to check email.

9:30 Alder and Mama tackle the living room and entrance way...and sweeping.

11am yogurt snack and an attempt at a nap for A (a mama can dream can't she?)

12:30 out for a rainy day walk around town (stop by to see Papa)

1pm spontaneous play date with 5 other kids, all sorts of ages. (Patti I'll give Kim's email she has more Nova news), a bunch of Mama's hanging out playing with babes and buttons (my friend is the button source)

4:30 pm home for brief melting child, then naked child, then child hurling fork and eggplant at Mama's head.

5:30 pm join Papa at the shop to hangout while a friend has an appointment.

5:30- 7:30 pm happy Alder, naked Alder, more happy naked Alder, not so happy Alder.

7:30 pm Alder (dressed) and Papa go home I'm having a little down time.

8pm- 5:30 am Mama gets totally sucked in and stuck. Sucked into Heroes and watching the second 2/3s on Netflix. Stuck because there are lots of banging on the nearby doors, and the guys who live in this building are rough.

5:30- 9:45 sleep...nap.

So once a year or so I get sucked into watching some TV series on disk all the way through, an unintentional marathon. This is the real reason we don't have a TV, Mama get way too sucked in. I do have to say that if you at all like graphic novels then you'll probably like Heroes, it isn't art but it's fun. Of course since I don't have a TV it is possible that everyone on the planet has already heard of Heroes.

Gestation part 2

Surprisingly, having Kevin's family here was not stressful. Actually it's not surprising, they are such low key people that spending time with them is usually pleasurable and I was sad to see them go this morning. I'll have lots of pictures to post tomorrow.

As I was saying before I felt like I need some sort of overarching focus for all my creativity. I have all these ideas rolling around in my head with no focus. But then the other day when we were talking with Kevin's family about the store and its name his dad asked what the Seven in Seven Mountain stood for. Without thinking I listed our seven principles that we think are important and then it hit me that these were still really what focus me and that rather than going looking for a new set of ideas that I have them right in front of me.

Family

Rhythm

Health

Thought

Creativity

Community

Body

I like how looking at life through the lens of these ideas seems. I've only tried this on for a few days but it might just be what fits well for me. So rather than spending any more time pondering I am going to just get started.

Gestation

What is my focus? I find myself asking a lot lately. I am a mama, I am a partner, I write, I run a business, I parent, I make things, I make art, I wander, I read, I am a daughter, I am a niece .... The list goes on, these are all things that are important parts of me. But they just seem to compile until I am more like a random stack on my desk than a woman. I am lost among the books and bobbins, diapers and business cards. I rush from one identity to another never staying long enough in one to get comfortable, or to see how they might fit together. I am tired worn thin; simultaneously inspired by everything and uninspired.

For the last week I have mulled over how all these pieces fit into a nice bundle rather than a pile. Mulling, gestation, whatever word you want to use is when you just let things surface on their own without working at it. I merely kept these ideas in my mind and allowed for them to percolate. Any that came up was written down without too much commitment. It's been ten days now and I think it's time to take all these pieces of paper together and see what meshes. Try to find how I can be all these things together, instead of at once.

Note: Picture was taken of me with an original Polaroid camera about seven years ago by Alex on a delicious day in her old apartment in Brooklyn. Now I live out here close by, yet she has moved the other way and is in LA. Isn't that the way of life?

A Day in the Life

Alder and his scone

7 am Wake up and cuddle time, that's until someone has to go to the bathroom.

8am Breakfast as a family, super yummy corn porridge,

9:45 Head out in the snowy weather to Manchester for story time at the bookstore (yes we drive 25 miles each way once a week for story time)

10:30 Story time at the Northshire Bookstore. Which involves a lot of not sitting and listening but wandering around the children's floor retrieving toys to play with briefly. It also means being around other mama's I like.

11:45 Lunch at Spiral Press Cafe, we have been unfortunately dubbed the Mommies Club. Good healthy food. Alder is the oldest of the lot so he sits in a booster seat instead of a high chair. At the end of the meal Alder takes everyone's trash to the garbage.

12:00 Back up stairs with a few friends to play in the children's section. It would be so much fun to be the buyer for the toys and games up there.

1:00 Search for regional geology book for Kevin with no luck.

1:15 Head back home in even more snow.

2:00 Visit Kevin at work, so I can check my email. During this time Alder falls asleep in Kevin's arms and takes a nap in the display crib (wow this is the second nap in as many weeks)

2:45 While Alder naps I visit a friend at her shop across the street for a little while.

3:30 Alder wakes up and we head to the grocery store.

4:00 Snacking begins granola bars dipped in plain yogurt (yum). While snacking I start dinner, I felt like making something pretty. We end up with Broiled Haddock in a sweet chili rub with yellow pepper salsa, sautéed brussel sprouts, and onion pablano pepper rice. No recipes just futzing with what we have around the house, except the haddock. Alder discovers he likes a capella music.

6:00 Family dinner, Alder managed to eat most of the brussel sprouts and a fair bit of rice.

6:45 I take staged photos for my new article.

7:30 Write blog and send photos in.

[Other new Alder news. Now he's walking down the stairs. Saying bye-bye, teeth (when touching his our someone else's). Runs everywhere. Is starting to play pretend. Is in that weird stage of understanding tons more than he can express himself. Has given up on playing by himself, he needs one of us to be in the room with him, not doing anything too real but not playing with him.]

on being paralyzed

there are days when i have too much in my mind focus on any one of them. there are characters greeting asking for plots to inhabit, projects i want to add to my ever growing list, business plans that need implementing. the list goes on and i find as each appears in my mind it competes for attention until nothing really is clearly a thought just a series of ideas.

then there will be one word, or image or phrase that settles in my mind, one that needs to be turned into something. there it will stay until it is taken care of, not just in rough form but until it is a full formed something. some days these internal requests are simple or at least somewhat formed. Others, like today are persistent but with out hope of immediate creation.

i was greeted during a drive with the phrase you ambiguous little fuck, said by some character to another who are good friends of opposite sexes it is said in humor. but that is all i was given. i've spent the rest of the day beginning to create the world where this phrase was spoken. i need lots of time with paper and pen to see where this takes me.

in the mean time i feel as though everything else in my life needs pushing aside, something that is an impossibility, so now i will begin the process of stealing moments to see where this goes, meeting new characters to fallen in love with and to nurture. for me writing a story is like making a new friend, it is always exciting at first a manic crush of knowing and supposing. and like real people my characters surprise me with things about themselves and places they persuade me to go.

to describe this to someone not in the middle of these feelings it is like having a crush on someone new who wants to give you all the attention in the world. it has the wonder and excitement as well as the underlying discontented pain of insecurity. for the case of writing it is my own wonder if i an really the person who is supposed to be telling this story and in the end if anyone else would care to hear what i have written.

that being said i would add that while i am the writer i can not honestly claim that the stories are my own since they seem to just come to me as if i am being told them. often i stay up late because i want to know what is going to happen next.

of course i haven't felt thing way since before alder so i have no idea the logistics of doing this along with all the other things that are going on in our life. back in denver when we were just a vaguely married couple i could always find a spare six hours here and there to delve into these characters. happily i took advantage of it and do not look back in regret. so i'm off to be sucked into a new world... who knows i might even get to feel a first kiss again (being the thing i miss most about being monogamous)