Now now now

I am a planner. I spend hours of my day thinking about what we are going to do tomorrow, next week, five years from now. Lately it's been almost obsessive. I was constantly thinking about things I wanted to do with Alder when he gets older. I was thinking about what our life would be like once we're settled. The list went on and on. All of this focusing on the future means that I have been sort of miserable with the now. The future is always perfect since it isn't corrupted by reality of things like dishes, bills, or grumpiness.
April 2008 June 2008

Then yesterday I took Alder out for lunch at a restaurant that we hadn't been to for months. Sitting there looking at him eating the same meal I was hit by how much I had missed out in the last few months because I was not focused on what we are doing now. Where had I been while he changed so rapidly? what was I doing while we were taking walks and playing?

Well, I had been preparing reading books and more books I had been waiting for a certain start to things. I must be a dolt or something because it has taken me 22 months to really get that right now is what I should be excited about. Yes I should be planning tomorrow and possibly next week but I should be doing these things to be living with the world I am in now. With the risk of sounding like a new-age book I need to focus more on living in the now.

To that end I am starting to make more immediate plans. It is summer and we live in Vermont, there are farms to visit, trails to hike, festivals to enjoy. On that note I plan on filling this space with more activities and less ponderings, at least for a while.