Remains of the holidays

[the drawing is still open until tomorrow]

Here are a few moments from the end of the holiday season.



Alder's remains and our new side board


Curtains that Grandma and I made for Alder, the beginnings of revamping his room.


The quilt Kevin made for Alder [click on the picture if you want the full story]

New York Trip

Here are some pictures from the trip. Hey there is also another post with a great video below.

Milestones and learning styles

After an adventurous attempt to get Alder to Adra's this morning that involved icy curvy hills, trees hanging on down power lines and finally a giant balsam across the road we turned around. Creeping back to town in 4wd low through the glittering of last night's ice storm we listened to classical interpretations of sea shanties. A few miles into our retreat Alder and I got into the following conversation:

A: Adra's?

Me: Not today, the road and her house are broken (we had run into her husband who said their power was out).

A: I fix Adra's house?

Me: We can't get to her house because of the road.

A: Mama fix it, and Alder.

Me: We don't have the tools we need.

A: Oh...why?

Me: Because the rain that froze last night into ice broke the wires and some trees, we would need big tools like saws.

A: Papa fix it?

Me: Alder I think we should leave it for the workers. (we were passing by an electric crew with their cherry picker)  See.

There is a pause in the conversation then:

A: Adra's house broken I fix it with Mama. 

Me: Sweetie (don't ask) we can't fix it right now.

A: Broken? (as in how was it broken)

At which point we went over the whole ice storm to which he replied:

A: Water brake Adra's house.

A month ago this would have never happened. Only in the last few weeks that he has started to make sentences. Before he had a few stock sentences that he used, but in the last few days he has been constructing them out of ideas new and old. For months Alder collected words, using them solo pointing out objects or actions, then he added comparative words still they were usually said by themselves or along with one other word. This is how he does things, he focuses on one aspect of a 'project' until he grasps it comfortably before he takes the next step.

It reminds me of when he learned to crawl. For weeks he had gotten himself up onto all fours but couldn't move forward, but that is all he wanted to do was try to move forward. When he finally did move it was backwards, but that was followed by forwards. Of course once he got crawling down he wasn't content to just crawl around he wanted to figure out steps. We finally had to put up a gate at the bottom of the stairs not because we were afraid of him falling but because he would work himself into hysterics trying to get himself off of the floor. There is an advantage to having a child like this, as he did teach himself about steps (we had a set of four carpeted steps in Denver that we let him use once he started to get it) he has only fallen twice and both times were from the second or third step.

Even then, at 6 months old Alder had an obvious learning style. I find it interesting to watch him tackle each new 'project' he sets for himself. His way of learning is so different than my own I sometimes feel that he is the one teaching me how to do things. I may be the Mama and the adult but he is really the one that is able to understand the world more completely.

I'm not going to say that my child is gifted I think labels like that are useless. I also don't think that what I see him doing makes him a genius or above other kids in the normal ways that they are tested. I do however think that as a person, child and adult, he will be able to see things from a broad prospective. I'm having difficulty wording this, let me use an example. I think he'll be able to look at the newspaper and understand the headlines politically, economically, and even how what is going on relates to history. So while he may never be a whiz at memorizing the periodic table I think he'll be able to understand it's origins and the physics behind it.

Meanwhile, as I left for work today he was happily "cooking" eggs and soap for Papa.

One Good Thing One Creative Thing Day 3 and 4

Day 3
One Good Thing: After Kevin and Alder went to sleep I stayed up listening to this and knitting by the fire.
One Creative Thing: I spent three hours knitting on a simple scarf, a longways knit alpaca in purple with a diamond pattern (pictures to come when it is finished right now it looks like a caterpillar).

Day 4
One Good Thing: Well really lots of good things. I got to sleep almost to nine. We went out for breakfast to here, and got there just before the crowds. Came home and Alder and I did projects in the wood shop for hours. Made a yummy dinner form things found around the house and ended up with gnocchi with sauce and steamed broccoli. Another night of knitting by the fire until I ran out of yarn.
One Creative Thing: While in the wood shop I started working on Alder's holiday gift. So far there has been a lot of sanding and cutting. Alder hammered nails into a board and drew pictures.


I remember spending hours down in the shop building things. Whether it was the tug boat that my father and I made that still stands on my dresser wit the film canister as a smoke stack or the pencil box that I build and stained myself when I was eleven it was always an amazing space to be in. Even yesterday as I worked on my project I found myself remembering exactly where certain nails were by feel rather than reading the labels on the jars.

There was a special joy involved in handing Alder the child's hammer for the first time, it is an identical one to the one adult one just a little smaller and lighter. Then handing him the cup that says "kid nails" on the outside on tape that has been there since I was a child, so old that it fell off and the glue holding it on became a gold dust on the table. Just like my father I set the nails in just deep enough that they would hold and let him hammer away at the board.



Hammering is difficult for little hands and he soon switched to drawing at the card table as I sawed and sanded, public radio in the background. Here I was an adult showing my own child the same things my father did, handing him the same tools and telling him some of the same stories. Next week when we are all at the cabin I hope there might be a few moments that all three of us are down there working on something, three generations touching the same tools bringing all of us joy in the making.

One Good thing One Creative Thing Day 2

One Good Thing:

This morning I woke up to the sounds of Alder and Kevin in A's room playing. I joined them for a complex game that Alder had created where his blocks were everything from the kitchen and he would pour us cups of juice milk and tea as well as cook us eggs. I was on his bed and he decided that the bed must be the shower so he would get under the covers with me and tell me that we were showering. This went on for almost an hour with Alder leading us through many different complicated meals where he would cook clean and then fix the house (there we things that needed hammering).

It excites me to see how he interprets our lives through play. At his age fantasy still does not include activities beyond his experience but he synthesizes what he has done into new stories (a new development). Watching him play gives me a good idea as to what activities that we during the day that he really likes. Similarly, I also can see through what he is drawing what interests him (this is great for choosing books from the library). Before I had Alder someone told me that small children are all little scientists, I totally agree but I would go further and say that all parents become (or should be) researchers in their own right as they learn to interpret their children when they are in these pre and early speakers.

One Creative Thing (two for today):

I ironed the fabric for the new member of the Armendariz de Klaasmeyer clan's quilt. As well as finishing one of the sleeves of Alder's sweater (I even remembered to bind off in ribbing!).

Well we're all going out to the cabin for the night to sit by the fire and play in the woodshop (we have so kitchen making to get started on) [Hey Sarah we want to borrow your router during Thanksgiving].

How to get where you want to be...or the reality of the immediate needs versus the eventual goal

"House!" he said as he dumped the bin of blocks onto the floor.

For a long time now I have had goals for what I want my life to be like. I want to have the ability to choose for Alder the best educational setting that I can, and that I want to raise him consciously and full of creativity and passion. Ideal I would love to stay home with him a lot and work some as a writer. Of course that isn't our reality right now. The economy is effecting how many clients Kevin is seeing and it just isn't enough. Since we moved I have been working part time doing high end retail at a natural parenting store (read cloth diapers organic clothing, baby slings breast pumps and the like). It is a job I have a hard time with, I love helping new parents to choose the right diaper set up or baby sling but I have a hard time with the need for $60 children's hat or $18 a pair underwear. But it was a job that I got quickly and I love all the people I work with.

But our bills (which are not very much to begin with) are out of our reach still. A few nights ago I couldn't sleep and I went looking on-line for a new job when I found one that looks like I would be a good match for, it pays better and it is still only twent hours a week. But the best thing about the job is that it is one where I would be helping people reenter the work force. Teaching them to write resumes, do interviews, help them with employment skills. It would be making a difference in a real way. So once again I am rewriting my resume and fiddling with words to make me seem like the right person for this job.

I haven't even gotten the job and I feel bad. I am not ready to send Alder off for childcare yet, not as much as this job would require. I am guilty of being a dreamer about how our life should be but don't want to go through the in between stage of working other jobs while working towards becoming a better paid writer and while Kevin builds a consistant client base but we have to.

I'll admit I have a lot of envy for the lives of many of the women whose blogs I read, I want the house, the calm life, the ability to choose what I do with my time. But this envy isn't a negative it has helped me to clarify my goals and makes me realize that to end up living this life I aspire to I must be active in creating it. So I start slowly, I write article topics, I design cards, I look for work, I build toys for my son, I take him to to the woods alone and with friends, and I find joy with the new and deep connections that I am making with my family. But it doesn't mean that I don't stare longinly at the crisp photos taken with better cameras or wonder what it would be like to live in a space wholly our own.

These are only examples the reality is much more complex because there is an outside world impossing itself on me and there is a husband who doesn't always agree with me and there are days where I much rather look at blogs of other people's life than live my own.

Guns guns and more guns and a few crummy plastic swords too

I'm having to processing something I experienced the other night. We went to a Halloween party at a co-workers house last Saturday night. The first thing I noticed that Alder was the only child in a home-made costume. All the boys were Power Rangers, Star Wars characters or other "soldier" story characters (although there was one vampire) and all the girls were princesses (and on Pokemon). But the costumes we the supermarket sort and they all really looked the same, polyester one piece suits with a big gaping hole at the back and some indeterminate symbols on the front. I didn't think too much about it because I know not everyone sews or has the time to make a costume.

So we're there, all of us feeling somewhat uncomfortable. Everyone seems to know everyone else and we literally know one person. Not to mention the fact that I don't really like parties where everyone is crammed into a house and there is loud music. So I sort of hover in the kitchen talking with my friend and trying to help with setup. After a half hour I realize that Alder still hasn't left my side (A is usually searching out the other kids, even if it's to just watch them).

So I decide to walk him back to the kids room to show him where they are playing, and to give him a little space. I was not expecting what I would find in this sweet four year old's room. Guns, lots of toy guns, sixteen toy guns to be exact and an additional nine toy swords and knives of all varieties. I was speechless. The kids, even some younger than Alder, were collecting them in piles and shooting them at each other, in each others faces and sticking them in the faces of adults and pretending to threaten them. And no one seemed to care. Luckily Alder is my son and just the noise from the room was too much for him so he followed me back out to the living room.

Now I understand that I live in a bit of a "crunchy" public radio no TV bubble, but I was a public school teacher for five years and I can not remember ever this much focusing on guns. To be honest it really disturbed me. I know that it was a hyped on sugar get together but still it seemed so unchecked.

I should explain that it isn't as if I have a hate of guns, certainly not those used by hunters, in fact I spent many winters in Durango eating the elk, pheasant, venison and turkey that my friends would kill. I can even say one of my favorite toys as a child was a toy gun that my father and I made together that shot little pieces of cardboard. But in all these situations there was a great deal of understanding of what guns were for and the real effects that they can have.

The father of the boy whose room this was is a hunter, in fact he had just shot a bear that day. I thought that if anyone hunters are the ones who try to have their children understand guns and safety the best, because there are real guns around, but it seems as though it isn't always that way.

Besides the fact that they were guns I was also shocked by the quantity of them. Just the idea that a four year old had sixteen of anyone thing is sad to me. Especially when they are all disposable and pretty much interchangeable, why so many?

What does all of this means in relation to how I want to bring up Alder?

Violence is not okay, ever. Not for Alder while he is still young and forming his early sense of self. I know eventually weapons will make there way into his play, whether is pretending to be a medieval knight or a Greek soldier violence will enter the picture. But I would like for it to be introduced within the frame work of a story, one whose meaning goes beyond the fight. But these are not stories that he needs to hear for another four years, at least. Until then I am absolute in my feelings about violence and the associated play. If this means that I may shield my son from certain cartoons or other media (hey we already don't watch TV except fpr movies) I have absolutely no problem with that.

Of course no answer can ever be that simple. Alder already is growing up in house with weapons in it. Kevin practices martial arts and uses swords, staffs and kuan-daos as part of his practice. But Kevin frames it as an art form, sure he can protect himself as need be but he has never deliberately gotten into a fight. Alder may end up learning to use a sword in one of the sets that Kevin does which have more in common with ballet than with fighting (something he pointed out to me). To me this is a good thing, I think that if he learns about weapons first with respect he will be more apt to make better judgments later on.

Of course all of this means that Kevin and I have had to make some choices in our movie watching habits because we like to watch action movies. I can still recite Raiders of the Ark and James Bond (Sean Connery Roger Moore or Pierce Brosnan only please) is in regular rotation in my favorites list. But now they are left for later evening viewing.

When Alder is all grown up I'll be able to see whether any of this has an affect, but I'm not going to let it slide just because there isn't a lot of evidence one way or the other (according to one GAO study I read).

How do you approach things like this in your families?

Lots of Firsts

(Coffee alone at Amy's after dropping Alder off for the first time)

We've been having a lot of firsts this past week, especially for Alder. Last Friday was his first day at Beyond Childcare, where he will be spending a very long Friday. His first day at "school "went well, he is such an easy kid. I am conflicted about sending him at all but we can't get around it with our schedules. At least Beyond is more a home than a school and it as if he just joins their family for the day.

Then yesterday we went to our first Kinder Circle at the Circle School. We spent four hours with a lot of kids and parents singing songs, going on a walk, eating delicious food, and playing. Alder was hesitant at first, although he knew a few of the children. But by the end of the morning he was piled in with all the other children. There were twelve children there and it was the most people his size he has ever been around. For myself it was wonderful, spending time with like minded parents felt so good. After a year of isolation, except for one other family, for people with similar ideas about bringing up children, and life in general it felt so warm and welcoming.

I am thinking a lot about education again, not changing my goals and beliefs but joining the conversation with other parents. I mentioned to one woman yesterday that our educational plans for Alder is part of an evolving conversation. In someways the education itself is a conversation that is also evolving. More on this later.

Making

There has been a lot of making going on around here lately. Alder has been drawing a lot and I've been knitting. Kevin even made a new comforter cover.


Chicken


Sweater


A favorite place to draw

I can't wait to start to start this hat and this one as well.

But now we're off on an sewing adventure, heading down to get fabric for curtains and well a little bit of temptations.

Learning from each other

The other day Alder and I went for a hike in a near by state park. As we followed the short trail Alder and I made a game of finding the trail markers, every tree that had a dash of blue paint he would go up to and point out. We followed only the blue ones, leaving the gray ones when they were no longer on the same trees (the gray trail went off another direction). It was a fun game that lasted the entire mile of the short loop trail but it was much more than that too. Alder is learning an important skill in our lives. We go hiking a lot so knowing how to follow trail markers is important. Perhaps it the Jewish mother in me coming out but I do have nightmares (the awake variety) of loosing Alder in the woods.

But showing him how to find the trail is more than teaching him an important safety skill it is a way to include him in something that we do together as a family. Until now he had always either ridden in the backpack or just stomped through the woods finding pine cones and "nut-corns" (acorns) but the other day he was aware of the "nut-corns" as well as the painted markings. He would run from tree to tree, still stopping to explore the undergrowth but excited at each painted mark he found. Even today as we uploaded the pictures he pointed to this one as said paint.

At the time that I showed him the paint marks it was more of an after thought, something I did to quell my own imagination, but as we hiked on I realized that showing him the trail markers was a way of sharing something I loved with him, introducing him to my world, the same way that giving him small balls of yarn and some knitting needles to play with while I'm knitting includes him. He watches us and knows when we care about something, these are the things that he tries to join in. Some days I catch him standing in the same position Kevin does he standing meditation, quietly looking at the world around him.

But he isn't just a little mimic, there are so many activities I would have never thought of doing if it wasn't for him. I catch myself walking on the raised edges of sidewalks when I am walking to work alone, or counting motorcycles as I pass them in the car, these are his activities that I have now adopted. He has also taught me to slow down (a process that was begun by our cat five years ago) some day we don't leave the house. He can find hours of things to do in these five rooms. Or we may take an hour to walk six blocks, not because we are talking to others but because there is so much to explore, walls to walk on, slugs to follow as they make their way across the sidewalk, puddles to jump in until they no longer have any water left, and cats to watch as they stalk birds.

So while I am bringing him into my world he is doing same for me.

New York

It was supposed to be a Zoo trip but the weather had other plans so we went to a children's museum on Saturday and wandered around town on Sunday. Every time I go to New York I ask myself if I could move back there. And for a while I think I could, except then I start to think about the stuff that I really value in our life and time and freedom are two of the most important things to me. In New York we would loose access to the natural world. But the biggest issue for me is the cost of the city. I know our financial situation has a lot of work needed. But if we were in the city we would have to be making even more money to just get by. I like the fact that even though we have a little way to go until we are stable, it isn't years away only a little while. New York would mean making too many changes to out life. But really in the end I am lucky, I can live here in Vermont and go visit when ever I want because of my family. I don't think I would want to change anything.

Settling Back In- Just one day

Oh did I have a blog. Actually I have been wanting to blog but our internet was a headache for a week and with everything else going on I just couldn't bring myself to sit down. The move has been really stressful for all of us but we are starting to get into a rhythm that works. Today was as close to normal as I've had in what seems like a year. We started with stopping by all three of us stopping by a bakery. Then Kevin headed off to work and Alder and I headed for a wander.



First to the bead store for supplies for a birthday gift. Which turned into a bit of a toddler time at the bead bath.



Then to the art store to visit the fish and all the colors. We spent ten minutes pointing to colors in the pastels and Alder started to understand that there are lots of different sorts of blues and greens.

After that it was off to the library for puzzles and choosing books for the week.

Then we were going to head home but it was getting close to one and I had to head off a mini meltdown by eating at the food co-op, Alder's favorite because he can have a plate of Peas, Olives and Tomatoes. It actually is the best lunch in town, both of us ate for seven dollars.



Then it was outside to the midweek farmers market for peaches and apple. Then we started for home... except we met another mama and kids and started talking so we went for a long walk with them. Until we passed by a playground and Alder was set on going (did I mention we didn't have the stroller) so they went home and we played for an hour or so. Then I carried him the mile home (have I mentioned just how hilly Brattleboro is?).

Once home we played with the beads on his table and made cookies to freeze. There was an almost meltdown when the cookie was too hot but we made it all the way until without any tears from either of us. I can hear the buzzer for what ever Kevin's cooking so I should end now.

A weekend

A sleeping Alder is giving me a moment to tell you a little about our weekend.


A Project


Dinner Out with the Girls






Spending Time with Family, following in traditions.




Not photographed: a pitiful yard sale (enough for lunch and what we bought at the really cool yard sale across the street), two job interviews, and Alder spending the day with Irie and Sarah with us away. Now I really should be filling boxes.

News

So I promised not to tell you all the heart aches and decision making process for what we were going to do with our life until we had a definite plan. And now we do. A few months ago we were in Brattleboro (VT) were playing at our favorite toy store when Kevin decided to go across the street to stop into the acupuncture center across the street to say hi. The acupuncturist wasn't there but he left his card. A few days later he got a call asking if he wanted a job a few days a week and he's been working there ever since, and gaining new days. So we've ordered the boxes and are starting to fill them.... god I hope this is are last move for a while. The move is a good one, that whole area seems more receptive to acupuncture and Kevin still has a small private practice that he'll keep going.

Until then we're packing up and enjoying the summer here. Luckily theres only one more month of commuting for Kevin (poor guy he hates driving and he's got an 80 mile daily commute).

By the way this is what we were doing last year.

A Weekend Away

We're back after a long weekend out at the cabin. Time was filled with exploring, cooking, family, friends, eating, exploring, a healthy interest in peeing in the potty, and more eating. The weather never seemed to want to stay sunny long enough to go swimming but we did make some new friends.


Alder's party was fun. The low effort recipe I decided on had me running off at 7 am on 4th of July to find panchetta over 30 miles away (hey I'm not one to skimp on a recipe), followed by covering the house with flour looking for places to dry noodles (did I mention how low effort this meal was?). But it all came together was people arrived. Alder even had a few friends to run up and down the hill and jump off of rocks.

But being back home I'm ready to start on the next project... oh wait I haven't mentioned that yet, I'll elaborate tomorrow.

We're Off!

As summer has gone into full swing around here with farm visits, yard sales and barbecues we are heading out of town for a week for time with family at the cabin and an early birthday party for Alder. So this is a hodge-podge of an entry.

1) Maple Pudding: [based loosly on How to Cook Everything Vanilla Pudding Recipe)
1/4 cup of sugar
1/4 cup maple syrup (you can adjust the sugar to maple ratio to suit yourself)
3 table spoons of cornstarch
3 eggs (the fresher the better)
2 1/2 cups milk (you can use cream or half and half but I wouldn't use skim)
2 tablespoons of butter

Directions
1) mix sugar, salt and cornstarch in a pot.
2) mix eggs milk and maple in a bowl until even in color.
3) turn heat under pot to medium.
4) pour in egg mixture while whisking and continue whisking for about ten minutes, the mixture will begin to thicken.
5) once off the stove add butter and mix until butter is all incorporated.
6) put into 4 bowls or ramekins, cover (tin foil or such) and refrigerate.
7) when you are ready to eat it serve it in the bolws. If you are feeling gluttonous serve with warm syrup or cream.

2) One Local Summer Meal

[I don't have miles on this meal]

Sauteed Lamb with Garlic Scapes

Polenta with Gorgonzola

Steamed Spinach

Becoming Native to This Place

I just started to reread Wes Jackson's Becoming Native to This Place it is about "integrating food production with nature in a way that sustains both." It's fairly farming focused but the concepts are broader how do we live with the land we are on, not impose upon it.

However this isn't about his book, except the title. I am having to learn to become native to this place. This place is having a toddler, being a mother and being a parent with someone else. All of these are the things you don't plan for. People talk constantly about the changes having a baby bring about. But for us a baby was only sort of a change, Alder was easy, other than bars and concerts our life didn't change too much. He just came along happy to be part of our world, looking out from his perch in the Baby Bjorn. Even as he got heavier the switch to the stroller and backpack were smooth.

Since New Years my sweet happy to come along with me little boy has become a person in his own right. He is still sweet and lovable as ever but now he has opinions about everything. About what he wants to do, and when. About what music we should listen to, and when we should not listen to music. All of this is amazing to watch happen but it changes things. So we struggle sometimes with his wants and ours. If he had his way he would be outside every moment of the day until bath time.


In the mornings he still curls up in bed with me to cuddle and talk. We name everything we can see from the bed, in the room and out the window. We sing songs and rhymes. We tickle and snuggle. But now the hour of welcoming the world has been cut to a half hour then he slides down the stairs to papa who will give him some food and take him OUT (his newest word). So I rush to get up to get my brief moments of alone time before Kevin is off to work (this is a rare treat to be at the coffee shop blogging).

Our day is full of the pulls and pushes of two personalities going through the day, getting the must dos done and leaving as much time for just going for walks or playing in the pile of dirt in our yard as possible. But this isn't easy for me, I feel trapped, both by the limits he puts on what we do and by the lack of a car. There is only so much we can do in walking distance from our home. When it rains we are even more limited to our scope of adventure. By the time Kevin comes home I am desperate to have a real conversation, to go to the bathroom by myself.

But being us, the three of us isn't always smooth either. We haven't quite learned how to spend time all together without turning it into tag team Alder watching. We've seemed to have forgotten how to be together. So now we try, we stay together in rooms, not always but less of one of us fleeing. It isn't fleeing from him more trying to find our own little moments. We've realized that while Kevin may need 14 hours a day to work on his business our weekend time is precious that we need to spend it all together as much as possible.

It is all learning how to be together as family, as three people with likes dislikes needs and wants. It isn't easy but everyday we seemed to be able to do it a little more naturally. But there are still blowouts as we become native to this place of being three.

Motherhooding

Getting ready Halloween 2005

Meredith had a wonderful quote on her blog from Elizabeth Gilbert: "When you sense a faint potentiality for happiness after such dark times you must grab onto the ankles of that happiness and not let go until it drags you face-first out of the dirt. This is not selfishness, but obligation. You were given life; it is your duty and also your entitlement as a human being to find something beautiful within life, no matter how slight."

To me this is what motherhood can seem like. Some days it seems as though life with A is just a series of actions that waiver from making him happy and getting stuff done. Those are the days where it is a struggle to find the balance of joy or contentment for both of us. I know and understand what I need to give him for happiness, the things to do with our days and minutes that will make him smile and be at peace. But there is a certain sense of unrest that I feel sometimes when there are things to get done or ideas I want to get down on paper or projects I want to start. Days like that I am not a good catch partner, I can not bring myself to love every dandelion he brings me.

I miss alone time when there wasn't a list of things to get done. I miss when the creative process was always the first on my to do list. But I am learning how to include him in my process, when I bake bread he has his own dough to knead and roll. He has his own drawing space, that he goes to when he wants to draw but he wants me there with him, not drawing my own things but sitting there just watching. I want to be him there, I would scribble and draw excitedly. Instead I watch as my linear son is more interested in lining the markers up and balancing the tops on the table.

So I am learning to search out the things to do that we both love to do. We go for long walks, throw sticks into streams, make mud, we bake and we sing silly songs. Still when we come home and we are sitting on the floor stacking jar lids I turn on the radio and occupy my mind with the world through public radio. I am engaged in both directions but I am also full of guilt that I can not love spending every minute in Alder's world.

What is the secret to entering that world? I know I go there sometimes, and the day goes by smoothly, we both get things done to fill our souls but it is a mystery how and why those day come together. Other days I rush to negotiate time alone to finish just a little of what needs to get done, never getting all the way through to creativity. This blog , most days, is my is my creative outlet.

Yet I agree that we need to holding onto happiness, because it is a fight that we are in. A fight with norms a fight with expectations and with loss of autonomy. So I try every night to look back and see what worked, where we were both happy, and I try to hold it close to me and try to live in it so that the next day I can bring these moments back and add more of them to our day. And maybe, just maybe, I'll have the energy to write a few pages or make something after he goes to bed tonight.

Where this road is leading us.

First I want to thank everyone who has sent good luck our way.

I know this blog has taken a turn towards the negative lately and that isn't really a fair representation of what most of these changes mean for us. Closing the shop was really a choice that I made because I really wanted to spend more time with Alder on his terms. He wasn't made to hangout all day in a shop. I also felt as if I was missing out on so much by being there.

I was right, the last month has been so powerful. I didn't realize how little time I spent focusing on him when I was with him before. Now we have hours to do things together so when there are errands to be run there isn't the feeling of choosing between doing Alder things or Mama things there is time for both. The changes in him were pretty immediate (although they might be coincidental) he's really talking a communicating a lot with new words every day. Also with all the time we have now we can slow down and he does a lot more for himself. Most importantly there are less tears from him and better sleeping.

There are other changes going on that are wonderful as well. Kevin's decision to refocus his practice into a Community Acupuncture clinic, makes sense both for the area we live in as well as our beliefs. Rather than charging 60+ dollars for a visit he will be charging 15-45 sliding scale. The difference in treatment is that the needling focuses on the arms, legs, ear and face. All points that can be accessed without removing clothing. Patients lay in recliners in a communal room where they are free to stay as long as they want. What is missing from these appointments is the 1/2 hr to hour long conversations. He will still have some slots when people can come for full treatments. The point of this sort of clinic is to make acupuncture accessible to more people regardless of what their insurance will cover.

here's a good article also.

So these changes in our life are scary sounding but they really are bringing us closer to what we value and believe in.

On Running Away

On Sunday Alder and I went for a drive, it was meant to be only twenty minutes away. But then I got it in my head that we would visit my godparent's who were of course not there. By then we were only a half hour away from Northampton, and what better place to walk around aimlessly and possibly find this book. So we turned our twenty minute drive into an hour and a half.

The trip turned into something more important. Life has been very hectic for the last six months and Alder has really gotten lost in the chaos (more on this and the changes being made soon). So for this day I let him lead. We spent almost and hour in this toy store, basically it's like walking into a Nova Naturals catalog. Then we walked around the Main Street twice until settling on Paul and Elizabeth's for lunch. I hadn't been there since lunch on the day I got married, and not almost five years later I was sitting there with my son.

A few hours and one warm chocolate chip cookie later we ended up at home to a delicious and good looking meal that Kevin created, involving pasta, sundried tomatoes, eggplant, sunflower seeds and some other goodies.