Brief Diversion

Long day, boxes to pack, needed a little inspiration.

Ani Difranco Interview with Mindful Mama Magazine from Mindful Mama Magazine on Vimeo.

Is there anyone more motivation than Ani?

Now now now

I am a planner. I spend hours of my day thinking about what we are going to do tomorrow, next week, five years from now. Lately it's been almost obsessive. I was constantly thinking about things I wanted to do with Alder when he gets older. I was thinking about what our life would be like once we're settled. The list went on and on. All of this focusing on the future means that I have been sort of miserable with the now. The future is always perfect since it isn't corrupted by reality of things like dishes, bills, or grumpiness.
April 2008 June 2008

Then yesterday I took Alder out for lunch at a restaurant that we hadn't been to for months. Sitting there looking at him eating the same meal I was hit by how much I had missed out in the last few months because I was not focused on what we are doing now. Where had I been while he changed so rapidly? what was I doing while we were taking walks and playing?

Well, I had been preparing reading books and more books I had been waiting for a certain start to things. I must be a dolt or something because it has taken me 22 months to really get that right now is what I should be excited about. Yes I should be planning tomorrow and possibly next week but I should be doing these things to be living with the world I am in now. With the risk of sounding like a new-age book I need to focus more on living in the now.

To that end I am starting to make more immediate plans. It is summer and we live in Vermont, there are farms to visit, trails to hike, festivals to enjoy. On that note I plan on filling this space with more activities and less ponderings, at least for a while.

Becoming Native to This Place

I just started to reread Wes Jackson's Becoming Native to This Place it is about "integrating food production with nature in a way that sustains both." It's fairly farming focused but the concepts are broader how do we live with the land we are on, not impose upon it.

However this isn't about his book, except the title. I am having to learn to become native to this place. This place is having a toddler, being a mother and being a parent with someone else. All of these are the things you don't plan for. People talk constantly about the changes having a baby bring about. But for us a baby was only sort of a change, Alder was easy, other than bars and concerts our life didn't change too much. He just came along happy to be part of our world, looking out from his perch in the Baby Bjorn. Even as he got heavier the switch to the stroller and backpack were smooth.

Since New Years my sweet happy to come along with me little boy has become a person in his own right. He is still sweet and lovable as ever but now he has opinions about everything. About what he wants to do, and when. About what music we should listen to, and when we should not listen to music. All of this is amazing to watch happen but it changes things. So we struggle sometimes with his wants and ours. If he had his way he would be outside every moment of the day until bath time.


In the mornings he still curls up in bed with me to cuddle and talk. We name everything we can see from the bed, in the room and out the window. We sing songs and rhymes. We tickle and snuggle. But now the hour of welcoming the world has been cut to a half hour then he slides down the stairs to papa who will give him some food and take him OUT (his newest word). So I rush to get up to get my brief moments of alone time before Kevin is off to work (this is a rare treat to be at the coffee shop blogging).

Our day is full of the pulls and pushes of two personalities going through the day, getting the must dos done and leaving as much time for just going for walks or playing in the pile of dirt in our yard as possible. But this isn't easy for me, I feel trapped, both by the limits he puts on what we do and by the lack of a car. There is only so much we can do in walking distance from our home. When it rains we are even more limited to our scope of adventure. By the time Kevin comes home I am desperate to have a real conversation, to go to the bathroom by myself.

But being us, the three of us isn't always smooth either. We haven't quite learned how to spend time all together without turning it into tag team Alder watching. We've seemed to have forgotten how to be together. So now we try, we stay together in rooms, not always but less of one of us fleeing. It isn't fleeing from him more trying to find our own little moments. We've realized that while Kevin may need 14 hours a day to work on his business our weekend time is precious that we need to spend it all together as much as possible.

It is all learning how to be together as family, as three people with likes dislikes needs and wants. It isn't easy but everyday we seemed to be able to do it a little more naturally. But there are still blowouts as we become native to this place of being three.

For Mother's Day

Yesterday while Alder snored in the back seat and I drove through the hills that straddle Vermont and New York I listened to this Mother's Day piece by Eve Schaub and was moved to tears. I don't usually get teary from stories or movies- I'm a cry out of anger or injustice sort of gal, but this did to me.

I give this to everyone of you out there who is a mother or has had one.

Enjoy your Mother's Day

love
Stacey

Motherhooding

Getting ready Halloween 2005

Meredith had a wonderful quote on her blog from Elizabeth Gilbert: "When you sense a faint potentiality for happiness after such dark times you must grab onto the ankles of that happiness and not let go until it drags you face-first out of the dirt. This is not selfishness, but obligation. You were given life; it is your duty and also your entitlement as a human being to find something beautiful within life, no matter how slight."

To me this is what motherhood can seem like. Some days it seems as though life with A is just a series of actions that waiver from making him happy and getting stuff done. Those are the days where it is a struggle to find the balance of joy or contentment for both of us. I know and understand what I need to give him for happiness, the things to do with our days and minutes that will make him smile and be at peace. But there is a certain sense of unrest that I feel sometimes when there are things to get done or ideas I want to get down on paper or projects I want to start. Days like that I am not a good catch partner, I can not bring myself to love every dandelion he brings me.

I miss alone time when there wasn't a list of things to get done. I miss when the creative process was always the first on my to do list. But I am learning how to include him in my process, when I bake bread he has his own dough to knead and roll. He has his own drawing space, that he goes to when he wants to draw but he wants me there with him, not drawing my own things but sitting there just watching. I want to be him there, I would scribble and draw excitedly. Instead I watch as my linear son is more interested in lining the markers up and balancing the tops on the table.

So I am learning to search out the things to do that we both love to do. We go for long walks, throw sticks into streams, make mud, we bake and we sing silly songs. Still when we come home and we are sitting on the floor stacking jar lids I turn on the radio and occupy my mind with the world through public radio. I am engaged in both directions but I am also full of guilt that I can not love spending every minute in Alder's world.

What is the secret to entering that world? I know I go there sometimes, and the day goes by smoothly, we both get things done to fill our souls but it is a mystery how and why those day come together. Other days I rush to negotiate time alone to finish just a little of what needs to get done, never getting all the way through to creativity. This blog , most days, is my is my creative outlet.

Yet I agree that we need to holding onto happiness, because it is a fight that we are in. A fight with norms a fight with expectations and with loss of autonomy. So I try every night to look back and see what worked, where we were both happy, and I try to hold it close to me and try to live in it so that the next day I can bring these moments back and add more of them to our day. And maybe, just maybe, I'll have the energy to write a few pages or make something after he goes to bed tonight.

A Note

If things seem a little sparse here it is because we are going through a lot right now. A long cold (for all of us), some possible changes, and a lot of need to spend time with Alder one my part. I've been feeling guilty about how much time I have spent trying to be by myself lately. In an effort to be more with my family and with the change in weather be outside I don't always get on the computer for days at a time. While the weather lasts I'll be out and about. Of course if real inspiration hits I'll share it here. Now all of you go out and enjoy the SPRING!!!

Listen to this!

The Rainy Day- in the life of

Please note there is a guilty admission at the end of this post. Don't think any lesser of me for it ;)

2 am a small warm body creeps his way into bed and nestles down for another five hours of sleep.

7am I am awakened by kisses, pats on the head and finally a few tugs of my hair.

7:30 am a family breakfast of corn porridge (we are beginning to think that Alder has a thing for condiments, any condiment)

8 am Mama heads out for the Post Office and the shop to check email.

9:30 Alder and Mama tackle the living room and entrance way...and sweeping.

11am yogurt snack and an attempt at a nap for A (a mama can dream can't she?)

12:30 out for a rainy day walk around town (stop by to see Papa)

1pm spontaneous play date with 5 other kids, all sorts of ages. (Patti I'll give Kim's email she has more Nova news), a bunch of Mama's hanging out playing with babes and buttons (my friend is the button source)

4:30 pm home for brief melting child, then naked child, then child hurling fork and eggplant at Mama's head.

5:30 pm join Papa at the shop to hangout while a friend has an appointment.

5:30- 7:30 pm happy Alder, naked Alder, more happy naked Alder, not so happy Alder.

7:30 pm Alder (dressed) and Papa go home I'm having a little down time.

8pm- 5:30 am Mama gets totally sucked in and stuck. Sucked into Heroes and watching the second 2/3s on Netflix. Stuck because there are lots of banging on the nearby doors, and the guys who live in this building are rough.

5:30- 9:45 sleep...nap.

So once a year or so I get sucked into watching some TV series on disk all the way through, an unintentional marathon. This is the real reason we don't have a TV, Mama get way too sucked in. I do have to say that if you at all like graphic novels then you'll probably like Heroes, it isn't art but it's fun. Of course since I don't have a TV it is possible that everyone on the planet has already heard of Heroes.

Inspiring and Living Well

I've been busy at nights making things for the spring. When the tourists return, they are like the birds. Every night I finish one project, the last few nights it has been tote bags, each one different and slowly I am learning to create the objects that I imagine. It has taken a while to pull myself away from the temptations of imitation only. I now feel comfortable knowing that I work with inspiration from others.

There is a lot in this world to be inspired by, places and people, nature itself and others projects (yes almost every word in this sentence is a link). I am realizing that I am very lucky to spend so much time creating and being around things that others have created with their own hands.

Every night as I sing Alder to sleep in the big bed with his head burrowed into my neck I realize how lucky I am. Each night I sing the same songs, I add some over time take away ones I am tired of but there are a few that always remain. We start with Twinkle Twinkle (*see alternate verses below) and then The Riddle Song, then Michael Row Your Boat. We end with Dance With Me with is a song I made up for Alder about a mother holding her child and dancing down from the mountains to the ocean, it's lyrics are changeable and the song never turns out quite the same except the chorus "Dance with me, dance with me down to the ocean. Dance with me down to the Sea."

Once he is asleep or drifting off I go to my studio and have uninterrupted time for working on projects. We may not be wealthy, I know we are far from rich, but I have time to myself everyday to be creative, that is worth millions of dollars.

*Alternative Twinkle Twinkle Verses

Are you a squid or are you an octopus,
Do you hide in the darkness,
Or do you hide in a space so small,
It's only the size of your eye ball,

Are you a squid or are you an octopus,
Do you have eight legs or are you enormous?

Baby No More

In the last few weeks Alder has gone through a huge shift. He has left baby-hood behind and is a full fledged toddler. Most of the changes have been beautiful to watch, his playing has become so focused. It used to be that he moved things just to move them but now he has reasons of his own that he does things.

But there are other changes that are bigger shifts for me than him. He no longer is content to sit still for very long in his stroller which means our long walks and trips to museums are over for a while. While there are parts of the day when he is content with just hanging out and exploring a single object there are other longer periods that are all about movement. During those hours he is a buzzing creature constantly on the go. I've tried to adapt, focusing our together time in places where he can freely roam rather than having to redirect him. It's a lot of fun to go to a big field and spread out a blanket and be home base for him, or to tail him around the playground.

When I can I allot three hours for a park visit or hike, that might normally be one hour. This way he can go until he is done and ready to leave. If he has had enough time he is happy to do grownup things with Mama. The catch is I'm not used to all this energy that a toddler expends, I find that by the time we are done with two or three hours playing I'm the one ready for the nap even if he isn't. We were lucky when he was new born, even back then he only got up two or three times a night. I had very few sleepless nights, but now it is catching up with me because I can not keep up with him. It's only 5pm and I'm ready for bed.

39 Days Alder Turns 1

One year ago today I might someone for the first time. It was two am and here in the same room that I am writing this sitting in a tub (horse trough) Alder Joyce came into my life. I can hardly remember that vermix covered baby. How much peace and balance you have brought to my life. In one year you have taught me so much about the world and myself. You truly are my Tree of Joy. This Mama is honored to be experiencing everyday with you. Who knew there was a love this strong?

I thought I might put his birth story here but it is seven pages typed. If anyone is really dying to read it I can make it available.

day 47 Eat Your Breakfast or Play On It

Yesterday the heat got too much for me so I loaded Alder in the car and we headed to the ritzy mall across town. No we weren't going shopping. We were going to spend the afternoon in the air conditioning in their breakfast themed playground. To be honest it was a great time.

This is one of those indoor playgrounds that is made out of soft sculptures on a theme. They are great for crowds of kids since if you bump into something you just sort of bounce off of it. I don't know if I would have ever thought of Breakfast Food as a theme but it actually is pretty fun for the kids (think bacon slides and sausage links balance beam).

For Alder this place is heaven because it is set up that even a crawler can get everywhere (except on top of the banana). Since everything is accessible to him without my help I really let him do his own thing. I sit where I can see him and visit him here and there for fun but mainly I let him get caught up in the fray of excitement.

I have mentioned before here my thoughts about playground kids and was happy that the same was true here even though none of these kids were "regulars". Alder was definitely the youngest kid out there on his own and the other kids kept coming up to him to say hi or play with him briefly in the middle of their games of tag (?).

He is an extroverted child, looking to make friends with the other children even though he can't speak or keep up with them. If there happened to be a child pausing for a moment in crawling distance he would go over to them and give them a big smile and then pet them like he pets the cat. The girls especially loved this which made the little flirt very happy. But he has confidence to, when the bigger kids would suddenly bounce off he wouldn't be disappointed he would just go off and do the next thing that came to him.

At one point he found two older boys who were dropping themselves off of a ledge over and over again. He went over to where they were and they let him join in their play for a long time. I was a little nervous that they were going to help him up on to the ledge but they never did. Instead they would carefully drop themselves over him giving him big smiles and silly faces.

I got a few looks from other parents since I wasn't right on top of him all the time. And there were quite a few children his age or older who were herded by their parents constantly from one object to another without much exploring time. Of course when these kids left there were often tears. Since we had come with over two hours to play we left when Alder came over to me and made it obvious. He was content to be back in his stroller with his bottle of juice when we left the playground.

I don't think we'll become regulars but we will probably end up there every week or two if this ridiculous heat keeps up.

Structure vs Love

I have been thinking back to my time as a teacher. I for most of my time I saw in practice that the students did better with a schedule imposed on them. For a long time I assumed that this was just the nature of children, people really. This was before Alder so I did not know what having a child was like.

Before Alder was born I had daydreams of putting a child to sleep in a wonderful nightly ritual. There was even a month when I tried this. But it was not the calm ritual that I imagined. I arbitrarily chose 7pm for his bedtime. So we would go up stairs and get into pajamas and hangout on the bed. I would try to read a story but he was more interested in turning the pages or sitting on the book. Then I would give him his bottle and rub his back, which would last a few minutes then he would be up roaming the bed. Any time I saw a yawn I would take this as a sign and I would hold him with the bottle.

Needless to say most of the time this ended in him crying to sleep in my arms. I took the crying as a sign of tiredness. Then one day I looked at the clock and realized that I usually took an hour and a half to get him to sleep. It wasn't a pleasant ritual it was a painful wrestling game where I was imposing my needs on him. So I stopped.

Alder now goes to sleep when he is ready. sometimes it's as early as 6 others it's 9 but it's his choice. One or both of us will be sitting in the living room reading or working on a project. He plays on the floor and occasionally comes over to our lap to be picked up. Most times this is so he can dive off the side of the chairs with us holding his ankles. As he get sleepy he prefers to just sit with us rocking for a while before he climbs back down to play. At one point he'll complain a little to get us to see that he wants a bottle. With the bottle he climbs into our lap and nuzzles himself into a cozy spot and falls asleep. If it's too hot for cuddling he'll find the meditation mat and lie down there.If he falls asleep in our arms we keep him there until he is fully asleep before we put him down in the bed, or if it is too warm out to be up stairs yet we put him on the mat.

By letting go of my need for a schedule has made the evenings pleasant we spend our time together winding down each in our own way, when we are ready we go to sleep. Some nights the three of us get into bed together all drifting off at the same time. The other effect letting him go to sleep when he is tired is that he sleeps better during the night. Sometimes he still gets up hungry but usually we all wake up as the sun comes in the window.

Through this letting go of structure and giving Alder the power to choose when he sleeps it makes all of our lives better. This has made me wonder why say children need structure. I think the structure is only a substitute for love. Children thrive when they know what to expect, if they know they are supported and loved in everything they do the expectation is met by this love. It is impossible for a teacher in a classroom with many students to give each child that same absolute love (or even expected) therefore for these children the expectation becomes the schedule.

Being able to give Alder the ability to grow and learn in his own rhythm is important to me. Not just through his baby and toddlerhood but all the way through. There is so much to experience and learn in this world I don't want to stifle this by packing him into a school for seven hours a day to be processed like a can of tuna fish.

Bath Time

BATH TIME
Alder came and found me after his nap. He just crawled across the house and announce the end of his nap. When I came over and gave him a hug and put more soy milk in his bottle he happily went off for a while. He is such an independent soul.

Since we are seeing Grandma and Grandpa and other assorted family tomorrow it seemed a good time to bathe him. Water is his place, he was born in the water, loves to be in the water, especially when we join him. Of course the sinks too small so he had to content himself with a soap bottle and the sprayer hose.

Afterwards, he found his favorite spatula. Life is good when you have your favorite kitchen utensil in hand.

I should learn from him to be so easily joyous. To experience each thing completely before going on to the next. I have so much to learn from my son.

A Day in Our Life 1

I have been thinking about how many of my dear friends and family are out there doing things, big things compared to my daily Alder thing, you know getting PhDs and Masters, teaching, saving the world. I miss being part of a larger community of articulate adults some days. Lots of days Alder is asleep and I'm just not sure what has happened to my day. I am not dismissing what I am doing as less important, but when I've just given Alder his twenty-fifth belly raspberry for the day I feel a little lonely for the world of ideas. I know that this picture of my life isn't complete, I'm copy editing and starting Sun and Moon, as well as writing when I get a chance, but this is what days feel like pretty often.

7 am wake up, as Kevin yells that he's leaving to catch the bus.

7 am-8am doze on and off as Alder plays on the floor in the bed room.

8am-9am brush teeth with Alder trying to climb my leg, spend the rest of the time with Alder playing only on the bed (he loves being bounced down on the piled blankets.

9am- 9:30 am feed both of us while doing a load of laundry and listening to NPR.

9:30am-11:30 am put Alder down for a nap, it's a little early but he's rubbing his eyes. Oops, I fell asleep with him for the entire nap.

11:30am-12:30pm Try to dress both of us even though most of the clothing is waiting to be folded in baskets. Then remember that it's cold out and do the whole thing again while listening to NPR.

12:30pm-12:52pm Realize that we only have one bus ticket so prepare to walk downtown as event of the day, then see that Kevin has left us tickets. Repack the backpack and go to bus stop.

12:52pm-1:30pm Ride bus across town, look out window, make faces at other riders.

1:30pm-2:15pm walk to St. Marks, visit with Gio for a little bit, enjoy our drinks (me:latte Alder: soy milk)

2:15 head over to Twist and Shout, while talking to grandpa on the cell.

2:30pm Ask staff about the Haimowitz CD that was recorded in the Plainfield church, I know they don't have it but I was bored so it was something to do, they can't help me because they can't figure out what I am talking about.

3:00pm Go to Tattered Cover, I get to drool over books (metaphorically) and copy down titles I'll take out of the library, Alder gets to drool over books (literally) while he pulls them out in the children's section. I clean up in his wake.

3:40pm Head over to Papa's school, stopping in A Bend gallery to look at Bruce's new works and what ever else they have up.

3:50pm Get to the school before Kevin is done with his last clinic patient. That's okay Dr Goa, Jay, Molly, Corey and others that I don't know their names are there to monopolize Alder's time.

4:15pm Leave with Kevin, godmother Kate calls to talk (she's been teaching skiing to Dell executives and band kids all day)

4:30pm Can't make it home before dinner so we stop at Bocaza (yum!)

5:05pm Watch as we miss bus, next one is in a half hour.

5:05pm-5:35pm Burr! We're cold!

5:35pm - 6:24pm Bus ride home.

6:30pm- 7:30pm Papa watches Alder as I get a little down time on the computer.

7:30pm - 8pm Put Alder to bed.

8pm um that's now.

I think I will do this occasionally just to remember what a day is like with a babe when he gets older.

On Nature and Our Move

While walking back from the pool the other day we walked by a school yard, one we pass by on most of our walks. It was one of the first outside days and one of the young teachers had taken advantage of this to bring her class outside for some project. It was obviously a special deal since all of the kids were having a hard time doing their work. What I though was telling was that most of the children chose to position themselves along the fence looking out at the rest of the world.

It made me think more about how I want to bring up Alder to love being outside but never to have to ration it. I imagine some of these kids haven't been outside, except at recess since autumn. I had this great image of a six or seven year old Alder reading a book sitting on a porch. Since it has been so snowy this year there has been less outside days in Denver (something that there are usually plenty) the children were all ghostly and probably won't regain their color until May.

Even then many of these kids will have maybe a week or two off before going to summer camps where most of their time is spent in the same class rooms. It is no wonder that children today do not feel a connection to the natural world. How can they when their only interactions with it are canned and curriculum driven?

As a child I was lucky my family would spend most weekends leaving the city and going to a cabin in the "country" most days I would wake up before my parents and head outside. It wasn't just our yard or property that I wandered on. I would go for miles and mile of regrown pastures. There was a river with the ruins of old mills, streams, a series of cliffs and plenty of imagined worlds. I would come home in time for lunch scratched up and hungry. No sooner was the meal done than I would be back out the door, unless we had something planned.

These weekends and summers of wandering helped me to survive another week in school. Sundays were always difficult, I still can't stand to hear Marion McPartland's Piano Jazz show because it was always the background to the start of our trip home. During those long drives home I would transform from the happy strong wandering soul to my week day self. But there was never any point in complaining, none of us wanted to go back to the city but grownup responsibilities made us return.

Now that I have my own son I am in the position to help cultivate his love of the outdoors. This becomes an interesting question when I think about where we are moving. There are many things that I want for myself and family that a city can provide, including less car time. But the distance from nature is not something want, nor could either I or Kevin handle.

There are obviously other constraints: feasibility for an acupuncture practice, proximity to my family, cost of living. When you add this to our love of hiking and being on the river our options begin to narrow. So we are down to five particular places and one more general region.

Hudson NY
Saratoga Springs NY
Brattleboro VT
Bennington VT
Pittsfield MA
and the general Hudson River Valley in NY

Of these places Pittsfield is the least attractive, but it is also the most affordable. Saratoga and Brattleboro are the most interesting but Saratoga is pricy. In the end we will end up weeding out the ones that aren't feasible and then going with what seems like a place that we will feel the most comfortable, and that will not be anything quantifiable.

What a process.

How Alder Does Being Him

The little boy is back to his usual magic. Today he figured out how to stand himself up while holding on to things (like a chair or a Mama), how to crawl without the belly flop in the middle, and how to climb up stairs. Where does it all come from?

The funny thing about all of his new things that he's doing is that he has been really needing to be in Mama or Papa's lap or arms a lot since we got back from our trip. This is unusual for Alder who is usually straining to get free and roam around. I admit I'm liking the extra cozies. Last night he fell asleep in my arms while I watched a movie. For the first hour or so he just contented himself at looking at the jade plant and other things in the room but after a bit of squirming he fell off to sleep. Then today he kept crawling to where ever Kevin or I were and reaching out his arms.

Once I got the bread started I gave up the idea of getting anything else done and just hung out on the floor with him. He spent a lot of time climbing Mt Mama trying to hold on tight when the earthquakes would come. He laughed every time I would make 'earthquake' noises and shake.

I forget sometimes to play with him. That sound awful, but often we do things like explore what's on the floor or go for walks but rarely do we just play. I used to try playing with him but he usually is more interested in finding what ever book or grownup object we've left within his reach. I guess as he is getting older there is more place in his mind for interacting.

Being with him just enjoying ourselves felt completely in balance. Alder has always been like a deep breath to me. There was one point in the pregnancy that I could feel his spirit swirling a golden glittery glow up and down my spine. Now when I see him looking at me, just watching I can feel the same glittery goodness. I don't usually go for the spiritual side of things but Alder seems filled with it and it is infectious.

The way he looks at the world around him is so full of awe and a need to understand it, not in a scientific way but to taste it, crawl over it, and run his hands over it way. I understand this need to feel somethings wholeness. I guess maybe the spirit I see him looking for is one that I've looked for too. Except I'm not going to bring him up in a world of scientific laws and anthropological theories like I was. There needs to be a balance between the two. Or at least that is the world I want to introduce him to.

How I Do Mama 2

The story sort of starts with weddings, I am not sure if you did this but when Kevin and I first got engaged and chose a date I briefly got bitten by the wedding bug. I bought into all the stupid things that the magazines said and I wanted the frills and all. Luckily I quickly came back to my senses.

Having a kid is similar, first there is the wait between getting pregnant and having them. Second, there is all the consumer media about what you need to do/ buy for the baby. At first when I was pregnant I mainly thought about names, nothing concrete or committal. But after we moved to 34th Ave and I had to set up a "nursery" and get ready for the baby I started to let my mind drift mainstream. I chose colors and came up with room themes that I wanted (don't laugh) I even pondered a wishing well crib (2000 dollars). The romance of a nursery soon wore out when we decided to cosleep with Alder. After cosleeping and the choice to have a homebirth all the trappings of the soccer/SUV cult dissipated.

But the mainstream culture was soon replaced with the cult of natural parenting and attachment parenting. I envisioned myself spending my days wearing Alder in a sling and breastfeeding until he was four. The funny thing about the natural parenting resources out there they are also filled with consumerism. Sure you are not giving your money to Gerber or Pamper but you are still a market group being sold to. Still I agreed philosophically with the parenting ideas that were espoused (and still do). I wanted my baby (I won't say Alder yet because he was still just baby) to grow up happy independent and loving. But I also imagined him only playing with wooden or handmade toys. Any new parent can tell you that anything that you imagined parenting to be like is a fantasy.

Then came the day I was at the fabric store looking for fabric for the baby's sling. I was very pregnant and it was hot out. The air conditioning was wonderful and I was prolonging my stay in the store. It was then that I met the woman who invited me to join a mother's co-op. What a great idea I thought. So fitting with the ideals I had for my baby. I liked the image of spending hours in someones kitchen as the little ones played on the floor while we made homemade baby food and sipped herbal tea. I could see little Allia (what I called the baby to myself) running with a crew of slightly natty rose kids all in cotton clothes playing together like brothers and sisters.

I even started to go to their Monday playgroup/ discussions before the baby was born. It felt good to be around other mothers. Most of my friends don't have children. Sure I felt like the neighbor girl invited to the sleepover who was not really friends with anyone. But it was good for Adler (he was alive at this stage). I wanted to fit in, to be like. I started doing more with them and volunteering to organize things. As I did more I saw less and lass of my old friends.

Then came my offer to create a creative outlet for mothers. A blog where we could show our arts, writing, and crafts. My offer, that was only there because I wanted external motivation, was rebuked by the "leaders" as trying to steal their email list. That I was trying to duplicate their group, and somehow steal their idea. I even felt the need to diplomatically explain myself, making sure I dropped all sorts of platitudes towards the groups "leaders". Their reply was something about wanting to process this misunderstanding as a group.

Process, that word annoys me. It usually involves some amount of sharing secrets that have nothing to do with the issue at hand, a good deal of tears related to childhood wrongs, and still I would somehow end up apologizing. Perhaps that is bitter of me, but I have never been invited to process anything with out it really turning into a veiled excuse to dump on one person while others stroke their own egos (usually very fragile ones hiding in vocabulary). Process to me means that people want you to change and listen but they do not want to change or even hear what you are saying. Of course I am excluding all the wonderful versions of process; like the process of making a book or baking bread, I am talking only about the discussion sort of process.

Luckily for me just as the beginnings of the processing I was heading to New York. It is funny how being around people who have known you for a long time puts things into perspective. As I spent time with my family having fun and having interesting conversations an idea began to form in my head. I would never be friends with most of these women except that we happened to have children of approximately the same age. There was no herbal tea in kitchens.

Then, while I was still in New York, there was another spate of emails about misunderstanding. Again the same people were the ones offended. People that I liked left the group. Here I was with people who I love spending time with and what could I tell them about the people I had been hanging out with? Someone asked and then the words came to me. They seemed like lonely women who had always wanted to be popular and had now created their own forum where they were the popular ones. My move to volunteer is no different than the high school girl who helps with the prom to hangout with the popular girls (not that we even had a prom at Friends). When I said this out loud to my cousin I realized then that I needed to leave the group.

I do not really think badly of these women. They are filling a need by creating this co-op, but it doesn't fill any need for me. I know enough people with children for Alder to see other children once or twice a week. For me I need to be around friends who are interested in things that I am. I really do need to be around other artists or just other people who I like for themselves. So I left the group, and Alder and I have become busier since then, there are people to have coffee with, libraries to explore, walks to go on (alone and with friends). Also I am happier, I can focus on Alder more as well as me. I love my son and he has done much to enhance my life but he has not changed me to some other "mommy" creature. I am still the same Stacey, maybe a little calmer, but still me.

How I Do Mama

I've tried to write something for the last few days but I've been struggling. During the day I narrate these great piece to myself but when I sit down here I can't seem to phrase things the way they sounded earlier. Partially it's that my mind is cluttered. I've been thinking about the business and moving, but now I'm focusing on writing again in my mind. I also just decided to go to my 15th High school reunion.

I think it's the reunion that really has been playing the most havoc on my brain. I keep imagining conversations that might happen. My voice always seems defense about the life I have chosen or deliberately vague. For the most part these are people who I like and who I still think about sometimes. But most of them are still in New York doing the city thing with careers and social lives that include things like clubs where you can't where any shoes you want (Amanda quote).

I think of my life here and I see days of long city walks with Sam fading into dancing at the High Dive in definitely inappropriate clothes. These images turn to endless Sunday projects at Jenna's or potlucks at our old apartment. All of it is low key. Perhaps there might some dressing up to go to a First Friday or out to eat but mainly it's about friends.

That's sort of funny if you think about how scared of people I was when we moved here. I still remember being too afraid to go to Stitch and Bitch even though Zakk had invited me. That was the night I met Amy and Sam two of the people from Denver I am closest too. I still have the green cotton yarn tied to my button hole from the corny idea that one should remember that if things got too annoying in real life there was always Monday nights. That was when all of us had hell jobs.

I'm happy now being mama. I don't think I'm loosing myself in Alder like some of the mothers I've met are. Instead I feel that having him around is making me live up to the comments about myself I make. I can't just say I'm a writer if I'm not writing, nor can I talk about the importance of nature if I just spend my days inside. I think I 've started to do a better job of living up to these things that I want to instill in him.

I used to be afraid that I would be the parent who talked about all the things that she did in the 'old days' but had become a sedintary mainstream mom. I even tried on the dress briefly but it ddn't fit. Mother's groups are not for me. I'm just not a big group person. Besides few of the women in the group did I have anything in common with except that we all happened to have vhildren during the same year.

Instead I'm focusing on friendships I already have. Maybe it would be better for him to see more kids. He does get his weekly dose of Lucero and it seems at least once a week we end up hanging out with one other baby for a while. It's good, when he gets a little older and more mobile life will become more social. The snow might stop by then and we can do the playground thing. Right now were focusing on being us.

Most of my friends do not have children. One commented how most of her friends who did have kids moved to the suburbs and bought the SUV. She said it as a compliment. WHat I don't tell her is that having Alder means that I exactly can't do those things even more so than before. I wouldn't last a week in a cookie cutter crapshack in a neighborhood isolated from the world. My sanity comes from the long adventures Alder and I take on the bus and by foot, they come from taking him to concerts and festivals, galleries and libraries. If he is going to grow up curious and unafraid he has to be exposed to the world that we live in.

A few years ago I was at my mother-in-laws and she had a beautiful picture book on the table. It was the story of Ceasar Chavez's life. She saw it sitting there and explained to me that she had originally bought it for my niece (7) but decided not to give it to her because she thought the niece was too young to know that there were hardships like those which he fought against in the world. I held my tounge but it made me wonder what that meant for someone who becomse an adult with so many holes in their perception.

I understand wanting to keep children safe from scary and dangerous things but there is also value in showing them the world and helping them to digest what they are seeing. To let them form opinions and ask questions. When I do expose him to these things it isn't to scare him but to show him the whole of our world.

I don't want him to think that the Little Mermaid really ends happily ever after, it doesn't but Hansel and Gretel does. Life has goods and bads.

wow I think I'm done.

Mama musing

I don't always feel as though I'm really a mother. Alder is my son and I take care of him and love him but coming into the role of Mother is a slow process. Tonight I was upstair and walked by his room which has really begun to look like a childs room not just a changing station and it hit me. One of those slight gasps from the bottom of the lungs when you briefly see things how they are. The light in his room always glows because of the yellow walls but tonight there was something else about it, as if my little boy has finally left his soul print somewhere.
As an individual Alder is already quite sure of himself, he spends sometimes ten minutes investigating a single object or intently watching one of us in action. His eyes are so full that I can just feel him storing away everything he is taking in. Sometimes I catch him watching me when I'm doing something less than motherly and I wonder what he will think of it later. But mainly I observe him watching the world around him and feel that I have a lot to live up to.
Mothering as an act has come naturally to me. I am finding contentness in the minutae and days pass differently than before. Still I don't yet feel as though I am altered. Perhaps I'll never feel that I am a mama first before I am an individual. As with everything else in my life I see Alder and my relationship with him as another piece to the collage. Later I'll look back and see the piece that is my life is filled with many different Alders included; already there is the newborn Alder and the Alder inside of me who have taken up residency in the collage. Maybe this is how I will grow into Motherhood as a role, it will be the adding of experiences.
If I am to always be an independent woman beyond my role of mother I can hope to pass this on to Alder. To raise an independent child he'll need to see Kevin and I being independent. Something neither of us can shed. He'll have to know that his life and love is secure with us so that he won't feel the need to watch over it, or leave it behind.
Part of the mystery of this motherhood is that I am here without a map, my own memories of my mother are from such a young age that I can not seperate her actions out from my general existance. I remember a lot about her and how we spent our time but I am aware that her choices and mine are very different. While she continued seriously in her teaching and research I want to give more of my time to Alder, not forgoing my writing.
When I think of my own mother I see her at the breakfast table first, eating dark toast and marmalade with black coffee. She wears her light blue robe, acrylic and fuzzy, reading the paper. The view grows wider and we are in Plainfield, our summer weeks there one of my prize possetions. The rythm of those days, of wandering, swimming and reading are what I seek to emmulate. I have a different memory of her too one of someone always busy. There were always students, and seminars, reviews to write and reseach to do. She love it all with passion, I can't imagine having something so important that it pulls me away from Kevin and Alder so much. I don't regrett her choices or resent them, she was the most needed Joyce/mother and hopefully I can be the most needed Stacey/mother. Even if my memories of her are faint I can try to use them as some reference.
Each of us leaves a footprint when we are gone, I think we all contenplate them occationally, my mother's was of an anthropologist who was a mother, a wife and a lover of sports. Mine will be different, I can only hope to instill in my child the wonderful sense of purpose and passion that she has given me.
I supose then feeling the part of mother is just those moments as I had standing in his doorway, only as he is around longer they will become more.