27 Day When the News Makes Me Go Grrrrr!

NPR just reported this story about infant deaths in Detroit. It makes me furious that the doctor was making all these claims about cosleeping being the cause of the deaths when there have been studies that have shown that cosleeping reduces the risk of SIDS. The doctor in the story made cosleeping out to be this thing that only happens in families that are too poor for cribs or who don't know better because they are from distant lands (read backwards). The reality is that it is only in The United States and England (Canada?) where cosleeping is not the norm.

If you are curious about cosleeping there are some resources here and here.

Just had to put this out there.

Structure vs Love

I have been thinking back to my time as a teacher. I for most of my time I saw in practice that the students did better with a schedule imposed on them. For a long time I assumed that this was just the nature of children, people really. This was before Alder so I did not know what having a child was like.

Before Alder was born I had daydreams of putting a child to sleep in a wonderful nightly ritual. There was even a month when I tried this. But it was not the calm ritual that I imagined. I arbitrarily chose 7pm for his bedtime. So we would go up stairs and get into pajamas and hangout on the bed. I would try to read a story but he was more interested in turning the pages or sitting on the book. Then I would give him his bottle and rub his back, which would last a few minutes then he would be up roaming the bed. Any time I saw a yawn I would take this as a sign and I would hold him with the bottle.

Needless to say most of the time this ended in him crying to sleep in my arms. I took the crying as a sign of tiredness. Then one day I looked at the clock and realized that I usually took an hour and a half to get him to sleep. It wasn't a pleasant ritual it was a painful wrestling game where I was imposing my needs on him. So I stopped.

Alder now goes to sleep when he is ready. sometimes it's as early as 6 others it's 9 but it's his choice. One or both of us will be sitting in the living room reading or working on a project. He plays on the floor and occasionally comes over to our lap to be picked up. Most times this is so he can dive off the side of the chairs with us holding his ankles. As he get sleepy he prefers to just sit with us rocking for a while before he climbs back down to play. At one point he'll complain a little to get us to see that he wants a bottle. With the bottle he climbs into our lap and nuzzles himself into a cozy spot and falls asleep. If it's too hot for cuddling he'll find the meditation mat and lie down there.If he falls asleep in our arms we keep him there until he is fully asleep before we put him down in the bed, or if it is too warm out to be up stairs yet we put him on the mat.

By letting go of my need for a schedule has made the evenings pleasant we spend our time together winding down each in our own way, when we are ready we go to sleep. Some nights the three of us get into bed together all drifting off at the same time. The other effect letting him go to sleep when he is tired is that he sleeps better during the night. Sometimes he still gets up hungry but usually we all wake up as the sun comes in the window.

Through this letting go of structure and giving Alder the power to choose when he sleeps it makes all of our lives better. This has made me wonder why say children need structure. I think the structure is only a substitute for love. Children thrive when they know what to expect, if they know they are supported and loved in everything they do the expectation is met by this love. It is impossible for a teacher in a classroom with many students to give each child that same absolute love (or even expected) therefore for these children the expectation becomes the schedule.

Being able to give Alder the ability to grow and learn in his own rhythm is important to me. Not just through his baby and toddlerhood but all the way through. There is so much to experience and learn in this world I don't want to stifle this by packing him into a school for seven hours a day to be processed like a can of tuna fish.

Why We Have a Family Bed

So awhile ago we bought a crib. We thought it might be good for all of us if Alder had his own place to sleep sometimes. The first week he actually spent part of every night in it. Then for a while it was a napping place where he wouldn't fall out. But then he figured out how to carefully get off the bed so the crib has been used exactly six times in three months.

When Alder was born we were unsure about a family bed. We like the idea but were unsure of how it would work in reality. It was rocky at first, Kevin was afraid of rolling on him, but it seemed impractical to get up to breast feed him throughout the night. So he stayed in our bed and after the first week discovered mornings.

Mornings in our house have always been early, but now they are wondrous. Those moments when we are all awake and being with each other in the warmth of the bed are our happiest. To wake up to Alder running his fingers through my hair or burrowing against my side it pure joy. He usually spends the first half hour or so going back and forth between us with cuddles and smiles.

We spend this time talking about our plans for the day, our dreams and much more. Before he was born the mornings were always about bounding out of bed and getting dressed. Sure we would slow down for breakfast together but there was always a period of rushing before hand. Time in which our moods could change, stresses be remembered. Alder has taught to slow down and move at a natural rhythm, I have many more calm days now that we have our morning routine.

Of course we are often asked how long we are planning on sleeping with him. I can't really answer that yet. Right now it works for us, someday he may want his own space but we are never going to force him out of our bed. Any of the reasons that we had tried the crib have evaporated, sleeping as a family is one of the greatest pleasures in life.

[note: I use the term family bed rather than co-sleeping because I feel that co-sleeping sounds like some medical or educational term rather than something that creates cozy connections]

Week in Review

I've been a bad blogger this week. So much has taken my time that sitting down at the computer to write something for pleasure has been impossible.

Wednesday was my meeting with the SCORE volunteer. This meant that I spent Monday and Tuesday writing our business plan (Kevin spent both days with Alder until he had class). When I did have time with Alder we took two walks to the library (we discovered it's closed on Mondays).

Monday after noon Alder and I went swimming with a friend. He's starting to understand more of the idea of what to do in the water. We even pushed him back and forth between us and he was holding his head out of the water and trying to move himself.

By Tuesday night I was so tired of staring at the computer that I opted to stare at the TV screen instead and watch some "Monarch of the Glen" DVDs from the library. It's guilty pleasure that I have been spreading out over the last few years, trying not to get ahead of what's been put out on DVD. It isn't great art or film but it's a cozy sort of story.

Wednesday morning I headed to my meeting with the SCORE volunteer. I was nervous when I first walked in because he seemed ancient and said what every time I spoke. But soon we were having a productive conversation. He never even looked at the business plan. I left with lots of research to do during our June trip back east.

That afternoon we spent sometime talking with Rabbi Mo and going to the Tattered Cover.
Tattered Cover has to be my favorite bookstore. Their new location is an old theater that they've only somewhat changed so that you come upon small groupings of seats among the isles. The architecture was not changed at all only carpeted and bookshelves put in.
We found a great book for my niece Rebbecca on the history of art.

Thursday things got crazy. In the morning we only managed a walk to the grocery store before we started the napping process. It took an hour and a half just to get Alder to sleep and when he was it was light sleep. While he napped I managed to pack us for spending a night in at Kevin's parent's house in Colorado Springs, since I was having oral surgery 7am Friday down there.

The plan was to spend the afternoon with friends pick Kevin up from school and head down there. Except the car didn't start. @$%#$#@!!!! Luckily our Thursday friends offered us their car for the night. So Alder and I piled all our stuff and stroller on the bus and headed over.

Of course being one of "those" days every crazy person between our house and City Park talked to us. I ended getting off early just to get away fro them, I hate when I give off the talk to me vibe on the bus.

After a brief Thursday visit we met up with Kevin had a Thai dinner and headed to the Springs.

I am sure that the house in the Black Forest at some point was a comfortable place. Kevin grew up there and doesn't have any macabre or gothic bone in his body. But since I have known him they have been slowly working towards selling the place. At this point there is a mattress on the floor in one bedroom, a folding table in the dinning room and a barn full of crap. It's creepy especially at night.

Alder had the starting of a cold that night which meant that he slept badly and thus we slept badly. But it was short anyway, we were up by six to get to the dentist where they pumped me full of drugs and did unthinkable things to my mouth.

I only vaguely remember the drive home or getting into bed. I slept it off for four hours and then I tried to deal with some baking and cooking, even though my mouth is all swollen up. I am supposed to bring the kiddish to temple this morning (challah, and a few other snacks) all of this by bus. So I was trying to come up with something that I could make while lying down every few minutes, needless to say I'm going to buy stuff.

Ah bed, that is supposed to be where I could recover from the unspeakable things they did to my mouth. But as Alder is on a sleep strike with a cold he was up every twenty minutes or so. He has been crying since four AM, luckily Kevin is giving me a break to do this and get ready to go (I have to leave two hours early because of Saturday bus schedules).

So I am sitting here tired as hell, barely able to move my mouth but somehow I am not actually in a bad mood.

I'll post pictures next time.

Zombie land

There hasn't been a lot of energy around the house these past few days to do things like blog or anything. It all started a few days ago when Alder started to get well cranky. Cranky with this kid means half the time he's all smiles but the other half he's crying. The thing is these halves are sort of interspersed so he'll be playing and laughing and move two inches and start to cry. I know something is wrong but I can not figure out what it is.

Last night he slept okay from eight until eleven and then he was up until three crying a lot. He finally fell asleep after I danced and sung with him in my arms for about fifteen minutes. But today has been really tough for him a lot of tears and being held. Of course this means not only is something upsetting him but he is also exhausted.

Kevin and I are walking zombies today. Neither of us could take a nap because when ever anyone lay down he would start to cry. He's sleeping now hopefully it will be a long sleep both for him and us.

Tired

I know I shouldn't be enjoying Alder's moods lately, he hasn't been the happiest kid (remember the perspective here) but his mood of late gives me lots of opportunity to hold him. Things must be changing for him in some way that I don't see because he is needing a lot more physical contact than usual. He still is a laughing smiling kid a lot of the time but now he wants to be held to keep that mood going.

Unfortunately, he is also having a lot of trouble staying asleep for long periods of time. This of course means that neither Kevin or I am getting any sleep either. I hope it isn't all because of the introduction of the crib. Last night he didn't not want to go back to sleep so Kevin played with him for an extra hour (until 11pm). He then fussed for an hour both in my arms, the crib and the bed. Finally on his second trip into the bed he fell asleep.

Teeth

Alder has two of them now. Yep. We were playing this morning when I turned him upside down and his mouth was open from laughing and there they were two little white bud on the bottom of his mouth. This would explain why we finally got a decent nights rest last night. I was expecting more misery from him but the only symptoms in retrospect he had was the butt rash and inconsistent sleep.

Someone asked if it made me sad that he was growing up, no it doesn't. I am so excited for each new thing and adventure with him, why would I want to keep us from them.

Stacey