I wake myself in the middle of the night, stresses overwhelm me. I roll over and lay there eyes closed but sleep is not near. I toss I repostition before I admit to myself that I am up. That once again my night will be spent trying to fill my mind with fiction and other people's lives until I lull myself into believing that it is okay. I am not alone in my wakefulness Kevin bundles up and heads out to the park for late night meditation. Only Alder sleeps, fitfully in our bed calling out, most often "Sauce!" or "Mama". I leave him be until his calls begin to wake him and then I will crawl back into bed with him. He is the salve that brings sleep.
And then the morning will come, too quickly, with requests for apples (imaginary) and oats (real) and we stumble through the begining of our day until the mud of the sleepless night leaves us and we transition to the next day. All of the stresses of the night before surface early as we discuss our plans. Again Alder soothes me with his immediate needs for play and walks and love. He focuses me on the now, not ignoring the issues to be delt with but not letting me become paralyzed by them, immobility is not possible. So we go for long walks through town or aimless drives.
As we move forward through the thick fog I wonder when it will be easier, when will I be able to just relax and love?
I ask not as a person who's life is done to her but as one who's life keeps escaping her. I never loose my keys, but somedays it seems as if I have misplaced my life somewhere along the way.
(I promise that these posts will get cheerier, a little more Alder and a little less stress, this is after all a blog for him)
Adirondack Dress in Autumn
9 years ago