We can attempt to teach the things that one might imagine the earth would teach us: silence, humility, holiness, connectedness, courtesy, beauty, celebration, giving, restoration, obligation and wildness.
David Orr from "Earth in Mind"

Nov 30, 2008

The end to my weekend


I am sitting here in disbelief. We had a beautiful Thanksgiving, I was in the middle of up loading pictures when the phone rang. The beauty of the last week has dissipated fleeing to corners of my mind where later I can unpack them. For now this past week has turned to sorrow.

I can't even put my words together right now, my chest feels like I've drank ten espressos. I am still wrapping my mind around the fact that Steve died, thankfully in his sleep. This vibrant man, Doctor, musician, involved with the world he is gone. Everyday, gowning up, I would walk past his office on my way to school. Like all the other characters that are in my life he was so much more...I can't explain we weren't close, I've been gone for ten years and before that I was just a shy kid, but he was always part of the list of people who indirectly made up my family. And lately that list keeps shrinking, lately I'm feeling like my circles are shrinking that I need to hold on tight to the parts of my life that have always been there. Not exclusive of new people but to totally absorb what I have always known; my family.

I had been thinking about how as I get older my family becomes more important to me, earlier as we heaed home this afternoon. We are an intense bunch, but we like each other and we have fun together. I just want to hold onto them tighter now, wishing I was with them still in the big warm house by the fire where we could talk this through, have a few drinks tell stories, and make it okay, if death is ever okay.

Our apartment felt gray and bland after this weekend, now it feels silent and history-less. This place has not become the nest it should be. It needs to be, we are here for a while we need to start writing our story of this home and us in it.

If you read this take a moment and think to yourself who your list of characters that have been around for a long time, family and sort of family and make sure you spend a little more time with each of them, now, not later when you can't.

[I will return to the 30 days tomorrow]


meredithwinn said...

oh i'm so sorry to hear of your loss. my thoughts are with you. and you're right, i'm gonna wrap my arms around my loved ones tighter now too. take care.

The Grocer said...

Sorry to hear you've lost someone close, thoughts are with you.

Shannon said...

i've been feeling all around me little reminders that it's all fleeting...every bit of it. i will indeed snuggle my boys in tight when i actually let myself go to bed...
i'm sorry for your loss, m'dear...love and warm hugs.

Sarah said...

Thats lovely... Thanks.