Blooming Fields

Blog Changes

2009-01-06T15:24:00.004-05:00

I've done it I'm moving my blog. This space has just seemed so stuck lately, a little messy and chaotic like my mind. So I am off to a clean new spot over at echolage, come visit and see what's new.

I've Seen this everywhere

2009-01-06T08:30:00.002-05:00

So the bold are things I've done, the italic is suposed to be what I want to do but the formatting is a little wonky so I just did have done and not done. Bad excuse for a post but I love lists.

1. started your own blog
2. slept under the stars
3. played in a band
4. visited hawaii
5. watched a meteor shower
6. given more than you can afford to charity
7. been to disneyland/world
8. climbed a mountain
9. held a praying mantis
10. sang a solo
11. bungee jumped
12. visited paris
13. watched a lightning storm at sea
14. taught yourself an art from scratch
15. adopted a child
16. had food poisoning
17. walked to the top of the statue of liberty - and I never want to do this again!
18. grown your own vegetables
19. seen the mona lisa in france
20. slept on an overnight train
21. had a pillow fight
22. hitch hiked
23. taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. built a snow fort
25. held a lamb
26. gone skinny dipping
27. run a marathon
28. ridden a gondola in venice
29. seen a total eclipse
30. watched a sunrise or sunset
31. hit a home run
32. been on a cruise
33. seen niagara falls in person
34. visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. seen an amish community
36. taught yourself a new language
37. had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. seen the leaning tower of pisa in person
39. gone rock climbing
40. seen michelangelo’s david in person
41. sung karaoke
42. seen old faithful geyser erupt
43. bought a stranger a meal in a restaurant
44. visited africa
45. walked on a beach by moonlight
46. been transported in an ambulance
47. had your portrait painted
48. gone deep sea fishing
49. seen the sistene chapel in person
50. been to the top of the eiffel tower in paris - no thanks! (are you getting the picture, I don’t really like heights :)
51. gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. kissed in the rain
53. played in the mud
54. gone to a drive-in theatre
55. been in a movie
56. visited the great wall of china
57. started a business
58. taken a martial arts class
59. visited russia
60. served at a soup kitchen
61. sold girl scout cookies
62. gone whale watching (I think I want to go every summer :)
63. gotten flowers for no reason
64. donated blood
65. gone sky diving
66. visited a nazi concentration camp
67. bounced a cheque
68. flown in a helicopter
69. saved a favorite childhood toy
70. visited the lincoln memorial
71. eaten caviar
72. pieced a quilt
73. stood in Times Square
74. toured the everglades
75. been fired from a job
76. seen the changing of the guard in london
77. broken a bone
78. been on a speeding motorcycle
79. seen the grand canyon in person
80. published a book
81. visited the vatican
82. Bought a Brand new car

83. walked in jerusalem
84. had your picture in the newspaper
85. read the entire bible
86. visited the white house
87. killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. had chickenpox - I had to get a vaccine for this, because I never got the chickenpox as a kid
89. saved someone’s life
90. sat on a jury
91. met someone famous
92. joined a book club
93. lost a loved one
94. had a baby
95. seen the alamo in person
96. swum in the great salt lake.
97. been involved in a law suit
98. owned a cell phone
99. been stung by a bee

The Drawing

2009-01-05T19:16:00.003-05:00

Due to a lack of interest in the drawing I've decided that all three of you win!!! So if affectioknit Christy and Trish could send me their addresses I'll start creating. Oh and Trish I really don't have your new address. Well at least a few of you came to my party (I am channeling the 9 year old Stacey here).

Remains of the holidays

2009-01-04T20:03:00.003-05:00

[the drawing is still open until tomorrow]

Here are a few moments from the end of the holiday season.

Alder's remains and our new side board

Curtains that Grandma and I made for Alder, the beginnings of revamping his room.

The quilt Kevin made for Alder [click on the picture if you want the full story]

A Blogaversary with a give-away

2008-12-28T11:25:00.005-05:00

Extended until Monday Because I am really busy right now.

So here I am two years into this blog and it feels like the last year got away from me. Not just in terms of this blog but life itself. I was looking at my resolutions from last year and realized that I didn't put any time into any of them. The strange thing is that it doesn't feel like that long ago that I was making those promises. This year things are going to change (not just in terms of resolutions) a lot is going to change in our life and hopefully being more human and functioning is part of it.

This blog has been great help to me especially over the last few months when things have been tough. I have used it as a place to publicly challenge myself to change stuff and it has been working. Hearing people's ideas on things has been great too. To thank all of you (and I know it isn't a huge group) I wanted to do a special give-away. This year I am doing a custom treat. You leave your name and a link and what not and I'll come up with something appropriate to stick in a box. Plus since it's year two I'm going to choose two people. I will leave this open until New Year's Eve.

And for those of you who are still waiting for things that I owe you (especially EG) they will be going out before the end of the year.

a little creative inspiration

2008-12-26T17:18:00.001-05:00

I've seen this a few times over the last few weeks and I've been inspired so I thought I'd share.

Gift Making

2008-12-23T09:48:00.002-05:00

We tried to make all our gifts by hand this year. We almost did it, due to time there are two people getting bought gifts but I still think we did pretty well. Here is a few of the gifts I made this year.

Dragon Hat for my nephew, knitted and needle felted.

Loop Bag, this is a pattern I have been working on for about a year and I finally like how it is turning out. It leaves a lot of room for creativity.

WIP this will be sewn on to a t-shirt, a present for one of the designers in the family.

Needle Felted hat for my niece.

New York Trip

2008-12-21T12:42:00.003-05:00

Here are some pictures from the trip. Hey there is also another post with a great video below.

More Inspiration

2008-12-21T11:49:00.003-05:00

We're spending the day working on gifts for family. Lot's of snow (we're working on 2 feet right now). Here is some inspiration.

Unabashedly Political and Humorous

2008-12-19T14:50:00.004-05:00

For Sarah and my Dad. For those of you who don't know the history of these songs they are both written by Tom Paxton. The first one is in it's original from from 1980 (as far as I can tell) the second song was originally titled Lyndon Johnson Told the Nation. In their original forms these songs are ones I grew up with and they seem appropriate right now. I can ony hope that many of the other songs I grew up with will not be relevant any time soon. Of course, that's Arlo Guthrie singing in the first video.

Law Indangers Artisans Business through Cost

2008-12-17T09:21:00.003-05:00

As most of you know, not only do I make things by hand but I also work at a shop that sells handmade toys and clothing. Much of the products we have in the store will be effected by the Consumer Protection Safety Act. In an effort to help countless of artisans across the country I ask that you take the time to copy the following letter, fill it in and send it to your congressmen. I understand many people's fears about tainted toys but this law requires testing for every toy (at the price of a few thousand dollars a toy) many of these small time producers never make that much on any single item. So please help! Thank you Uncommon Grace for the link.

From: [your name and address]

To: [your congress person or senator]

Re: Changes needed to the Consumer Product Improvement Act (CPSIA) to Save Handmade Toys in the USA

Dear [your congress person or senator],

Like many people, I was deeply concerned by the dangerous and poisonous toys that large Chinese toy manufacturers have been selling to our nations families. And, I was very pleased that Congress acted quickly to protect America's children by enacting the CPSIA.

However, I am very concerned that the CPSIA's mandates for third party testing and labeling will have a dramatic and negative effect on small toymakers in the USA, Canada, and Europe, whose toy safety record has always been exemplary.

Because of the fees charged by Third Party testing companies, many toymakers, especially makers of unique and beautiful wooden toys from Maine to Oregon will be driven out of business. Their cottage workshops simply do not make enough money to afford the $4,000 price tag per toy that Third Party testers are charging.

I urge you to quickly rewrite the CPSIA so that toys made in batches of less than 5,000 units per year or manufactured within the USA and trusted countries with established toy safety regimes such as Canada and the European Union be held exempt from third party testing requirements. Such toys could still be subject to random auditing by the CPSC.

If you feel that testing should still be required, then the CPSC should be made to offer free testing services for USA toymakers and importers from Europe or Canada with revenues less than one million dollars.

These toy makers have earned and kept the public's trust. They provide jobs for hundreds and quality playthings for thousands. Their unique businesses should be protected. Please visit www.handmadetoyalliance.org to learn more about this issue.

Thank you for your attention to this matter.

Sincerely,

[your name]

We're Off (I think I've used this title before)

2008-12-14T22:32:00.003-05:00

Almost two years ago this is what it was like to get to New York for a visit. In contrast tomorrow morning Alder and I will pack the car, fill it with gas and drive the four hours to the city. Still visiting is exciting, and there is always more I want to do than we have time for. Besides, this gives Kevin a little space to get some of his projects done (both of the work and creative variety).

Our main reason for visiting is to see Kate, Alder's god mama, who is in town from Colorado for a few days. Kate and I grew up together being city kids in the '80s. Since it is the holiday season I think we are going to do a few things from our childhood with Alder like this which my mother used to take us to every year. Since Alder is train obsessed we are going to check out this exhibit with Grandma, since it's near her office.

We've been talking about our trip for a few days now and the three things he is most excited to do are see Dad's house (grandpa), go on a train, and go to coffee shops. I couldn't help laughing at the last one, he seemed a little concerned that being in New York we might not be able to go to any coffee shops, he is after all my son.

I have no idea if I am going to be posting while I'm gone, I usually do but if not I hope you all have a good week.

Milestones and learning styles

2008-12-12T16:41:00.005-05:00

After an adventurous attempt to get Alder to Adra's this morning that involved icy curvy hills, trees hanging on down power lines and finally a giant balsam across the road we turned around. Creeping back to town in 4wd low through the glittering of last night's ice storm we listened to classical interpretations of sea shanties. A few miles into our retreat Alder and I got into the following conversation:

A: Adra's?

Me: Not today, the road and her house are broken (we had run into her husband who said their power was out).

A: I fix Adra's house?

Me: We can't get to her house because of the road.

A: Mama fix it, and Alder.

Me: We don't have the tools we need.

A: Oh...why?

Me: Because the rain that froze last night into ice broke the wires and some trees, we would need big tools like saws.

A: Papa fix it?

Me: Alder I think we should leave it for the workers. (we were passing by an electric crew with their cherry picker) See.

There is a pause in the conversation then:

A: Adra's house broken I fix it with Mama.

Me: Sweetie (don't ask) we can't fix it right now.

A: Broken? (as in how was it broken)

At which point we went over the whole ice storm to which he replied:

A: Water brake Adra's house.

A month ago this would have never happened. Only in the last few weeks that he has started to make sentences. Before he had a few stock sentences that he used, but in the last few days he has been constructing them out of ideas new and old. For months Alder collected words, using them solo pointing out objects or actions, then he added comparative words still they were usually said by themselves or along with one other word. This is how he does things, he focuses on one aspect of a 'project' until he grasps it comfortably before he takes the next step.

It reminds me of when he learned to crawl. For weeks he had gotten himself up onto all fours but couldn't move forward, but that is all he wanted to do was try to move forward. When he finally did move it was backwards, but that was followed by forwards. Of course once he got crawling down he wasn't content to just crawl around he wanted to figure out steps. We finally had to put up a gate at the bottom of the stairs not because we were afraid of him falling but because he would work himself into hysterics trying to get himself off of the floor. There is an advantage to having a child like this, as he did teach himself about steps (we had a set of four carpeted steps in Denver that we let him use once he started to get it) he has only fallen twice and both times were from the second or third step.

Even then, at 6 months old Alder had an obvious learning style. I find it interesting to watch him tackle each new 'project' he sets for himself. His way of learning is so different than my own I sometimes feel that he is the one teaching me how to do things. I may be the Mama and the adult but he is really the one that is able to understand the world more completely.

I'm not going to say that my child is gifted I think labels like that are useless. I also don't think that what I see him doing makes him a genius or above other kids in the normal ways that they are tested. I do however think that as a person, child and adult, he will be able to see things from a broad prospective. I'm having difficulty wording this, let me use an example. I think he'll be able to look at the newspaper and understand the headlines politically, economically, and even how what is going on relates to history. So while he may never be a whiz at memorizing the periodic table I think he'll be able to understand it's origins and the physics behind it.

Meanwhile, as I left for work today he was happily "cooking" eggs and soap for Papa.

Catch up on an icy day

2008-12-11T15:18:00.002-05:00

Wow I can't believe it's been almost a week since I got back from Boston. It's been a mad rush of making and cleaning around here. The weather has been up and down freezing on Monday warm on Tuesday and today it is an icy mess. Still we slid down the hill to town and spent time at our favorite yarn store and then off to the library for books puzzles and a little chess (Alder's invented version). We snuck a bite to eat at the Co-op before we struggled up the hill. I am really glad Alder still likes the stroller some days we would still be out there otherwise.

Catchup 19-24

Day 19
One Good Thing: Left at 6 am to get to Boston for Bizarre Bazaar. Spent the day around lots of very cool creators and creations. Also spent a lot of time dancing to stay warm, we were close to the door.

One Creative Thing: I will leave it at getting out of Boston and back to rte 2 without going too far out of our way.

Day 20
One Good Thing: Alder and I going on a little adventure for fabric and NOODLES.

One Creative Thing: More like a bunch, I started made one hat, started one bag and chose the design for one shirt. I can't really put pictures up since the recipients read this sometimes.

Day 21
One Good Thing: Got to read my book.

One Creative Thing: Finished bag, weaved in ends on hat.

Day 22
One Good Thing: Spent most of the day cleaning, Kevin even built us an island for the kitchen. We put the TV in the basement, we never use it anyhow, watched this on the computer together and laughed our butts off.

One Creative Thing: Ironed houses, started new hat.

Sunday

2008-12-06T20:40:00.001-05:00

Heading HERE to go to THIS to help HER with her stuff. Have a good day!

Changes towards Simplicity

2008-12-05T17:29:00.003-05:00

There are a lot of little changes that are going on in my life right now. The good sort. We've spent quite a few years just trying to "get through" pretty much since we left Durango, but now we have found a place we would like to call home and finally all the ideas of someday are becoming today. For years after we first met we talked and lived very simply, but grad school and moving has complicated life a lot. Often it was easier to let the simple lifestyle get away from us because of time and money constraints... well mainly the time and stress.

But lately I've been feeling (and we did both come to this thought quite separately the conversation was so connecting) that really we need to go back to all those ideas that we have put to some day. So often it feels easier to take what is handed to you prepackaged or prearranged when actually once you start the habits of simplicity they take so much less effort. It is the starting that take the most psychological effort.

So as this year winds down and I look towards the return of the sun I want to welcome it inspired to return to simplicity. I have visions of peacefulness washing over our household by midsummer. Even now as I begin the process of simplifying I can see this difference, more gets done, communication is smoother, creativity returns. But this is just a start there is so many facets to living simply that we have to return to that the process is almost like building a home, thankfully we already have the foundation built.

One Good thing One Creative Thing Day 16, 17, 18

2008-12-05T14:37:00.003-05:00

Day 16

One Good Thing: The joy of going to the library with Alder, as I am getting better at choosing books that he'll like. Realizing how to use these same skills to avoid conflict situations and find more activities that we can both enjoy (more on this later).

One Creative Thing: Stayed up way too late making paper houses to hang in Alder's room.

Day 17

One Good Thing: As someone who usually tries to get out of the house as fast as possible (I have always had a hard time staying home when it's light out) but we stayed home until late afternoon, cooking and doing various projects together and separate.

One Creative Thing: Lots of creating going on this year, except for one hand me down gift we are making every gift this year. Cut out one pair of pajamas with Alder's help. Went to Thursday knitting and started one hat, stayed up way too late (yeah the sun was coming up) finishing one hat and getting most of the way through the next one.

Day 18

One Good Thing: Reading American Bloomsbury by Susan Cheever, lots of pausing around town to read between dropping Alder off and going to work, ah bliss.

One Creative Thing: Umm seeing how I stayed up to daylight I'm going to carry over last nights knitting, needless to say reading and working are all I'm doing today.

A Day in Pictures

2008-12-03T19:13:00.002-05:00

Alder Can't Get Enough of This

2008-12-02T20:44:00.000-05:00

One Good Thing One Creative Thing Day 14 & 15

2008-12-02T20:13:00.002-05:00

Day 14

One Good Thing: Went sledding at kindercircle this morning, despite feeling awkward while I was there Alder and I had fun sledding down the hill.

One Creative Thing: I got back from errands and decided I should definitely start making this apartment a home, actually I was spurred into this idea the day before during the scary drive home past all the accidents. I am not a winter driver which means that we will be spending a lot more time in our house for the next few months.

I showed Alder all the fabrics that we had enough to make his curtains out of and let him choose. While he played 'boat' I ironed and pinned one curtain (they are ridiculously long).

Day 15

One Good Thing: The library had a copy of American Bloomsbury, a book I have wanted to read for a long time, since I heard and interview with the author when the book came out.

One Creative Thing: Kevin and I hardly ever get any time alone together so we have started a journal in which we respond to essays and poems together. One of us will read one and react and then the other will read the same article and write our own thoughts. We are starting with some Wendell Berry essays from The Way of Ignorance and What are People For? This morning I began my first response, unfortunately my writing was cut short by the people at the table behind me talking very loudly and distracting me from my writing.

One Good Thing One Creative Thing 9-13 lots of links

2008-12-01T20:24:00.004-05:00

Day 9
One Good Thing: A little time to myself as I drive to this amazing bakery for rolls and to get this book for my father's birthday.

One Creative Thing: Finished Hat, umm it ended up being for Alder instead of Kevin. I'll post pictures tomorrow and explain about the coloring and thickness.

Day 10
One Good Thing: Spending time with my family. A wonderful meal with everything spare ribs (a family tradition), Barbecued Turkey, Green Chile Corn Pudding, two Stuffings, four pies and one pumpkin cheesecake. Staying up late with cousins and playing bad music from our childhoods for each other. Oh and drinking lots of wine.

One Creative Thing: Weaving in all the ends of Alder's sweater so he could wear it for dinner. (picture tomorrow).

Day 11
One Good Thing: Meandering Car ride with a cousin and Alder discovering new back-ways, bookstores, and yarn stores. Reading this book and watching this movie. In the catagory of so bad it's funny was this movie that was on TV after the intensity of Downfall, it was both funny and painful to watch this...trust me I did not put it on, and I turned it off after I saw who played the mother.

One Creative Thing: Created hat patterns for two of my cousins.

Day 12
One Good Thing: Kevin and I actually went out with my cousins (the young ones...like anyone under 40). Grandma and "Dad" watched Alder. We drove into town and saw this movie. It was a tough one but worth seeing.

One Creative Thing: Honestly I got up drove home an hour to go to work, worked until 6pm drove an hour back had dinner and went to the movies.

Day 13
One Good Thing: Made it home alive. It sounds like a pitiful answer but after passing 6 accidents over 18 miles of highway and taking an hour to go the last 5 miles from the state border to exit one I was just so happy to be home and alive. It total has kicked me into gear for getting the house all nest-able for the winter. I do not like winter driving so I need to like where I live.

One Creative Thing: Sort of creative, I emptied the final two boxes of studio stuff.

The end to my weekend

2008-11-30T21:31:00.004-05:00

I am sitting here in disbelief. We had a beautiful Thanksgiving, I was in the middle of up loading pictures when the phone rang. The beauty of the last week has dissipated fleeing to corners of my mind where later I can unpack them. For now this past week has turned to sorrow.

I can't even put my words together right now, my chest feels like I've drank ten espressos. I am still wrapping my mind around the fact that Steve died, thankfully in his sleep. This vibrant man, Doctor, musician, involved with the world he is gone. Everyday, gowning up, I would walk past his office on my way to school. Like all the other characters that are in my life he was so much more...I can't explain we weren't close, I've been gone for ten years and before that I was just a shy kid, but he was always part of the list of people who indirectly made up my family. And lately that list keeps shrinking, lately I'm feeling like my circles are shrinking that I need to hold on tight to the parts of my life that have always been there. Not exclusive of new people but to totally absorb what I have always known; my family.

I had been thinking about how as I get older my family becomes more important to me, earlier as we heaed home this afternoon. We are an intense bunch, but we like each other and we have fun together. I just want to hold onto them tighter now, wishing I was with them still in the big warm house by the fire where we could talk this through, have a few drinks tell stories, and make it okay, if death is ever okay.

Our apartment felt gray and bland after this weekend, now it feels silent and history-less. This place has not become the nest it should be. It needs to be, we are here for a while we need to start writing our story of this home and us in it.

If you read this take a moment and think to yourself who your list of characters that have been around for a long time, family and sort of family and make sure you spend a little more time with each of them, now, not later when you can't.

[I will return to the 30 days tomorrow]

one Good thing One Creative Thing Day 8 The Single Breath Addition

2008-11-25T17:03:00.001-05:00

One Good Thing: Fires to knit by and making pies.

One Creative Thing: Finished Alder's sweater and started Kevin's hat.

One Good thing One Creative Thing Day 7

2008-11-23T16:50:00.003-05:00

Quick note from work (I should be sweeping)

One Good Thing: Had a wonderful dinner with some of our family last night. The preparation for Thanksgiving starts now, Kevin is filling the wood bin and baking pies today with my aunt. Found an early twentieth century copy of this and read it late into the night.

One Creative Thing: I chose the yarn and pattern for my sweater (yes as in for me to wear). It's yummy Malibrigo Chunky in the Paris Night colorway (thanks Ab for the suggestion). Pictures to follow.

Comfort Food One Good Thing One Creative Thing Day 7

2008-11-22T12:34:00.003-05:00

Yesterday was a bit of a rush through everything without much time for creating or absolute goodness. Until the end of the day when I got to cook my favorite comfort food Dirty Pasta.

If you don't like salty don't bother with this recipe.

1 box of noodles
2 cloves of garlic
olive oil
1 tin or jar of anchovies
Parmesan cheese (better if you grate it right when you want it)

Directions:

Set a big pot of water to boil for the noodles.

Mince garlic, it can be sort of chunky for this.
Heat skillet to medium.
Add garlic and anchovies, include the oil the anchovies are in.
Mix in skillet until the anchovies have disintegrated.
Lower heat to low let them heat until noodles are done.
When water boils add noodles and cook (read box).
Drain pasta and put in bowl, or return to pot.
Pour sauce over noodles and mix until all of the noodles look "dirty".
Grate cheese (don't skimp).
Mix cheese into noodles evenly.
Eat.
I would suggest serving this with big glasses of water.

We will be out of town off and on for the next week so reporting will be a little spotty.

One Good Thing One Creative Thing Day 6

2008-11-20T22:20:00.003-05:00

One Good Thing: I was given a wonderful treat this morning. Kevin had done some acupuncture in trade with one of the massage therapists that he works with and out of the blue he offered the massage to me. Since he had no one schedule for that time slot he took Alder and I got one of the best massages ever.

One Creative Thing: Nothing too special today just Thursday night Knitting at Knit or Dye. I worked on Alders sweater, only two thirds of one sleeve to go!

He is just too cute sometimes.

color and light One Good Thing One Creative Thing Day 5

2008-11-19T12:41:00.006-05:00

One Good Thing: Watching the sunrise over breakfast.

One Creative Thing: [Written at the library yesterday]

I have to admit I hate crayons. Even as a child I hated then. their colors are dull and they never stay sharp enough. I clearly remember repeatedly trying to color shapes only to find the crayon drawing on the other side of the line. I know that there were kids in my class who could color perfectly, their lines were never crossed and when they filled in shapes the colors covered evenly with all the strokes going in the same direction.

After crayons we were introduced to colored pencils, 12 color boxes of Prisomcolor to be exact. While I could sharpen the point as much as I wanted the colors were still bland, no matter how hard I pushed. I craved the streaks of vibrant colors as much as I wanted to create the images in my head. But I was still sloppy and would get in trouble for not following the directions (remember this was just lower school). I tried, I really did, but my hands just couldn't move the pencils as delicately as the projects called for.

At home was a different story. Here I had my father's old watercolors that I would spend my Saturday mornings painting with rather than watching cartoons (the TV was in my parents bedroom). I remember years of painting little landscapes on scrap paper. I would create them with repeated lines; obsessing over the exact tone of the ocean, the sand, the clouds above. Each of them would be tiny worlds that I could enter. Around that time I was reading the Secret Garden and was enamored with the Scottish Moors. I drew scene after scene of what I thought those moors would look like.

When I had painted the pans empty my father would take me to the neighborhood art store to choose a new set. He was adimant that I use "real" paints not the flashy kids ones (whose flash was in the packaging not the paint). In the end I would usually come home with a yellow enamel box of Pelikan paints, the same sort I used all the way through college. My father never studied art or teaching but he knew what he liked to look at enjoyed reading about art. If he was going to have to hang the pieces that I did up then he wanted to like what he was looking at. In his mind this meant that I should have the supplies that would give me the best chance of taking the idea from my mind to the paper.

It was during these hours alone in his shop that I would play with the brushes, pigments and water, learning how each of them worked. While my princesses stood out as sloopy among the giant crowds of homogenious royalty that hung in the hallways of my school at home, with the watercolors my work was delicate.

The difference was simple; at school I was limited to choosing the colors and perhaps a little pattern while at home I was free to paint as I pleased for as long as I wanted to (or not at all). At school we were each handed a box of scented markers (at least these were vibrant) that no adult would pick up. At home I was given real supplies, pencils and paints that I would still use today. In retrospect there was no question about where my real art making was going on but at the time I sure I must be the worst artist in the world because I couldn't get my flowers to look just like the girl who sat next to me in class (who by the way was always weatring matching Benneton socks and shirts).

I knew. I knew not to stop what I was doing at home, in some ways I couldn't. I felt it when my father would take me for long Saturdays of walking from gallery to gallery in SoHo and I knew it when we would spend entire days in a single wing of the Met. I could see it in the modern paintings and I could see it in the cases of African masks. So I didn't stop. After each of these days out with my dad I would come home and try my hand at what I had seen.

Even now when I return to visit my father and find relics of my childhood art around the house. Its survival over the past three decades is not sentimentality, although that I am his daughteris part of it, they are all pieces that he felt were beyond my age when I created them. He knew it then and despite himself has directed me in this direction. I always find it amusing when I hear about parents who brought their children up to be doctors or lawyers and I respond that I was brought up to be an artist.

At this point it is up to me. If I really want to be this artist that I can be I have to work at it put in the time and space. Otherwise I am jut another person who messes around with paint.

One Good Thing One Creative Thing Day 3 and 4

2008-11-17T21:01:00.004-05:00

Day 3
One Good Thing: After Kevin and Alder went to sleep I stayed up listening to this and knitting by the fire.
One Creative Thing: I spent three hours knitting on a simple scarf, a longways knit alpaca in purple with a diamond pattern (pictures to come when it is finished right now it looks like a caterpillar).

Day 4
One Good Thing: Well really lots of good things. I got to sleep almost to nine. We went out for breakfast to here, and got there just before the crowds. Came home and Alder and I did projects in the wood shop for hours. Made a yummy dinner form things found around the house and ended up with gnocchi with sauce and steamed broccoli. Another night of knitting by the fire until I ran out of yarn.
One Creative Thing: While in the wood shop I started working on Alder's holiday gift. So far there has been a lot of sanding and cutting. Alder hammered nails into a board and drew pictures.

I remember spending hours down in the shop building things. Whether it was the tug boat that my father and I made that still stands on my dresser wit the film canister as a smoke stack or the pencil box that I build and stained myself when I was eleven it was always an amazing space to be in. Even yesterday as I worked on my project I found myself remembering exactly where certain nails were by feel rather than reading the labels on the jars.

There was a special joy involved in handing Alder the child's hammer for the first time, it is an identical one to the one adult one just a little smaller and lighter. Then handing him the cup that says "kid nails" on the outside on tape that has been there since I was a child, so old that it fell off and the glue holding it on became a gold dust on the table. Just like my father I set the nails in just deep enough that they would hold and let him hammer away at the board.

Hammering is difficult for little hands and he soon switched to drawing at the card table as I sawed and sanded, public radio in the background. Here I was an adult showing my own child the same things my father did, handing him the same tools and telling him some of the same stories. Next week when we are all at the cabin I hope there might be a few moments that all three of us are down there working on something, three generations touching the same tools bringing all of us joy in the making.

One Good thing One Creative Thing Day 2

2008-11-15T12:37:00.003-05:00

One Good Thing:

This morning I woke up to the sounds of Alder and Kevin in A's room playing. I joined them for a complex game that Alder had created where his blocks were everything from the kitchen and he would pour us cups of juice milk and tea as well as cook us eggs. I was on his bed and he decided that the bed must be the shower so he would get under the covers with me and tell me that we were showering. This went on for almost an hour with Alder leading us through many different complicated meals where he would cook clean and then fix the house (there we things that needed hammering).

It excites me to see how he interprets our lives through play. At his age fantasy still does not include activities beyond his experience but he synthesizes what he has done into new stories (a new development). Watching him play gives me a good idea as to what activities that we during the day that he really likes. Similarly, I also can see through what he is drawing what interests him (this is great for choosing books from the library). Before I had Alder someone told me that small children are all little scientists, I totally agree but I would go further and say that all parents become (or should be) researchers in their own right as they learn to interpret their children when they are in these pre and early speakers.

One Creative Thing (two for today):

I ironed the fabric for the new member of the Armendariz de Klaasmeyer clan's quilt. As well as finishing one of the sleeves of Alder's sweater (I even remembered to bind off in ribbing!).

Well we're all going out to the cabin for the night to sit by the fire and play in the woodshop (we have so kitchen making to get started on) [Hey Sarah we want to borrow your router during Thanksgiving].

One Good thing One Creative Thing ! 30 Days Day 1

2008-11-14T14:54:00.004-05:00

Is anyone else sick of listening to me whine? So in an effort to repair the damage I have done to everyone's ear drums (or eyes as this is a blog) I am going to start posting good things again. I complain about not having time to make things yet I stay up late reading dumb things on line. So to try to change my general mood I am going to try to post one thing every day here about something creative and good that has happened in my day (exclusive to the holiday madness) so for the next 30 days this will be the one good thing one creative thing blog.

Today's one good thing is sending resume and letter for a great sounding job with Voc Rehab as an employment specialist. The one creative thing was basically finishing one sleeve of Alder's sweater (one cuff and one sleeve to go).

If you are feeling overwhelmed by everything right now feel free to join me in this activity.

Take a look at this post by Julie for more thoughts on all the shifts of being in your thirties.

Procrastinating and a little bit of nothing

2008-11-12T23:52:00.003-05:00

I am procrastinating going to bed, an awful habit I've had since high school. So I sit here eating chocolate chips and reading MDC threads about head-coverings in awe and respect of these women who believe in anything that moves them to act on their beliefs to that extent. But today has been like that, peaking at other's lives to remind me of the goal, the aim.

Alder and I managed to bake bread, well I baked he played with his dough. Seven Grain Bread is an absolute favorite of mine. I am not a whole wheat fan but I love the crunchy chewiness of the Seven Grain Cereal in this bread, I figure I'm getting the healthy benefits of the whole grains with out the bad beer flavor of the whole wheat flour. One loaf is already gone.

Wednesday was a wash, it was one of those days where it's just better to stay in the house and eat chocolate chips and cold cuts strait from the bags. It took until six o'clock for it to occur to me that I needed to listen to this, being really the only place worth getting my news from. Even Alder was laughing.

Drift

2008-11-12T11:07:00.004-05:00

My reality with you is drifting
we live further in the future
afraid of all the words and lists of now
we drift to separate rooms
we look out separate windows
lonely not knowing how to connect

but we are trying to find that space
in time
in place
here
where we can come together and remember

trying to make solid out of the pieces,
the little islands that we have become
islands in a sea of feelings and influences
not looking for bridges but to change the geography
to slide the plates of our life until a new Pangaea is formed.

Groove

2008-11-11T15:05:00.002-05:00

Some days we just have it. I wake up to his small hands on my face and I know we are in sync. On days like that we float through the morning routine of eating and dressing and happily get out the door for our day's adventure. Perhaps it's a walk to the library (the current favorite) or driving to a close by town for an errand and wandering the streets. On days like this we shift from one activity to the next without trasition. Those days we come home to an afternoon of drawing at the kitchen table or playing "apples and cherries" under the covers as we warm up.

After my last post I had really pursuaded myself that things were so bad, but then the next morning our day went so well and I realized that most of the days do go so well and that the stresses that envelop me are often more in my mind than out in the world. I am trying to hold this idea close to my heart as I approach the mountain of "business" I have to deal with... You know it sort of works.

Now I would like everyone who is reading this to help me send good healthy feelings both to a good friend of mine who is having a tough pregnancy and to my aunt who is having a lung biopsy tomorrow.

In the Middle of the Night

2008-11-09T15:45:00.007-05:00

I wake myself in the middle of the night, stresses overwhelm me. I roll over and lay there eyes closed but sleep is not near. I toss I repostition before I admit to myself that I am up. That once again my night will be spent trying to fill my mind with fiction and other people's lives until I lull myself into believing that it is okay. I am not alone in my wakefulness Kevin bundles up and heads out to the park for late night meditation. Only Alder sleeps, fitfully in our bed calling out, most often "Sauce!" or "Mama". I leave him be until his calls begin to wake him and then I will crawl back into bed with him. He is the salve that brings sleep.

And then the morning will come, too quickly, with requests for apples (imaginary) and oats (real) and we stumble through the begining of our day until the mud of the sleepless night leaves us and we transition to the next day. All of the stresses of the night before surface early as we discuss our plans. Again Alder soothes me with his immediate needs for play and walks and love. He focuses me on the now, not ignoring the issues to be delt with but not letting me become paralyzed by them, immobility is not possible. So we go for long walks through town or aimless drives.

As we move forward through the thick fog I wonder when it will be easier, when will I be able to just relax and love?

I ask not as a person who's life is done to her but as one who's life keeps escaping her. I never loose my keys, but somedays it seems as if I have misplaced my life somewhere along the way.

(I promise that these posts will get cheerier, a little more Alder and a little less stress, this is after all a blog for him)

Did anyone notice?

2008-11-08T14:54:00.002-05:00

Part of me is tempted to edit my last post...I may sometime this week. I was just reading it and was amused to see just how badly written a lot of it was, especially the sections where I was talking about writing. I'm a little distracted lately (see previous post) so I haven't always been rereading my writing before I post it.

I hope everyone is having a nice Saturday, it's wet and warm here and Grandma and Grandpa are coming for dinner, so life is good.

How to get where you want to be...or the reality of the immediate needs versus the eventual goal

2008-11-07T10:58:00.004-05:00

"House!" he said as he dumped the bin of blocks onto the floor.

For a long time now I have had goals for what I want my life to be like. I want to have the ability to choose for Alder the best educational setting that I can, and that I want to raise him consciously and full of creativity and passion. Ideal I would love to stay home with him a lot and work some as a writer. Of course that isn't our reality right now. The economy is effecting how many clients Kevin is seeing and it just isn't enough. Since we moved I have been working part time doing high end retail at a natural parenting store (read cloth diapers organic clothing, baby slings breast pumps and the like). It is a job I have a hard time with, I love helping new parents to choose the right diaper set up or baby sling but I have a hard time with the need for $60 children's hat or $18 a pair underwear. But it was a job that I got quickly and I love all the people I work with.

But our bills (which are not very much to begin with) are out of our reach still. A few nights ago I couldn't sleep and I went looking on-line for a new job when I found one that looks like I would be a good match for, it pays better and it is still only twent hours a week. But the best thing about the job is that it is one where I would be helping people reenter the work force. Teaching them to write resumes, do interviews, help them with employment skills. It would be making a difference in a real way. So once again I am rewriting my resume and fiddling with words to make me seem like the right person for this job.

I haven't even gotten the job and I feel bad. I am not ready to send Alder off for childcare yet, not as much as this job would require. I am guilty of being a dreamer about how our life should be but don't want to go through the in between stage of working other jobs while working towards becoming a better paid writer and while Kevin builds a consistant client base but we have to.

I'll admit I have a lot of envy for the lives of many of the women whose blogs I read, I want the house, the calm life, the ability to choose what I do with my time. But this envy isn't a negative it has helped me to clarify my goals and makes me realize that to end up living this life I aspire to I must be active in creating it. So I start slowly, I write article topics, I design cards, I look for work, I build toys for my son, I take him to to the woods alone and with friends, and I find joy with the new and deep connections that I am making with my family. But it doesn't mean that I don't stare longinly at the crisp photos taken with better cameras or wonder what it would be like to live in a space wholly our own.

These are only examples the reality is much more complex because there is an outside world impossing itself on me and there is a husband who doesn't always agree with me and there are days where I much rather look at blogs of other people's life than live my own.

Creative Streak

2008-11-06T16:55:00.006-05:00

There is a creative streak going on in this house lately. It took a while to come to me but I've finally gotten back into the swing of it. Here are some of the projects I've been working on.

1) Watercolor 2)Watercolor 3)Holiday card design 4) Holiday card design 5) Elephant pants 6) Elephant skirt.

More Tears for Today

2008-11-05T18:27:00.003-05:00

I have tears in my eyes

2008-11-04T23:40:00.003-05:00

I have tears in my eyes, tears of joys and disbelief. I was so afraid to hope, although hope was the theme. As I sit here waiting to hear Obama's speech I am starting to put together what it means to me that he has won. We are free of the Bush regime (well 70 days from now). We have a hope that this country will not be forever racist or sexist or homophobic. I have so many hopes for our new president. Shall we now sit back and watch this all unfold, helping where we can?

anecdote: a friend working at a phone bank in Colorado was talking to another worker who commented that he had really been enjoying volunteering and that after the election he was going to find another organization to volunteer with. I hope that there are many more people do the same. If that was to be the case the benefit of this election will be much greater than just electing Obama as president.

If you have time pick up a copy of Soul of a Citizen as well as The Call to Service

with joy I will say good night.

Vote

2008-11-04T14:21:00.002-05:00

It has seemed a little more like election week than election day here. I voted on Friday and 25% of the state had voted already by last night. But then here in Vermont it is the governor's race that makes adifference this year (in terms of our votes). Still it is the Presidential election that is everyone's focus. At work we have music playing all the time so the computer is set for NPR where they have constantly updated articles today. For all the polls that I hear I am still afraid that the election will slip through our fingers again. In fear that I will be the deciding bit of fate I have no Obama pins or t-shirts or stickers and I have stayed quiet. But honestly I am dedicated to this election as my friend who has spent every night for the last month trying to swing Colorado blue. It is just that I am so afraid to speak.

O-ne day until we know
B-eing consious of the difference this day will make
M-y heart races
A-stonishing how far we've come since I was a child
M-y heart races
A- man who speaks to me in a language I understand.

excuse the bad poetry

A Quite Moments Inspiration

2008-11-01T17:46:00.008-04:00

I'm all sorts of inspired right now. I think it's the coming dark which I thrive in that has me settling into creativity again. Shifting from action to reflection. As the winter comes closer I slow down and I see this in my drawing, my images are calmer and simpler. I'm falling in love with simple black and white.

A lot of my inspiration is coming from the changing environment around me but I have also reaching into my past to find new light.

Daphne Taylor especially this one.
Molly Peacock

I have also been finding some inspiration closer to home.

Guns guns and more guns and a few crummy plastic swords too

2008-10-27T20:07:00.005-04:00

I'm having to processing something I experienced the other night. We went to a Halloween party at a co-workers house last Saturday night. The first thing I noticed that Alder was the only child in a home-made costume. All the boys were Power Rangers, Star Wars characters or other "soldier" story characters (although there was one vampire) and all the girls were princesses (and on Pokemon). But the costumes we the supermarket sort and they all really looked the same, polyester one piece suits with a big gaping hole at the back and some indeterminate symbols on the front. I didn't think too much about it because I know not everyone sews or has the time to make a costume.

So we're there, all of us feeling somewhat uncomfortable. Everyone seems to know everyone else and we literally know one person. Not to mention the fact that I don't really like parties where everyone is crammed into a house and there is loud music. So I sort of hover in the kitchen talking with my friend and trying to help with setup. After a half hour I realize that Alder still hasn't left my side (A is usually searching out the other kids, even if it's to just watch them).

So I decide to walk him back to the kids room to show him where they are playing, and to give him a little space. I was not expecting what I would find in this sweet four year old's room. Guns, lots of toy guns, sixteen toy guns to be exact and an additional nine toy swords and knives of all varieties. I was speechless. The kids, even some younger than Alder, were collecting them in piles and shooting them at each other, in each others faces and sticking them in the faces of adults and pretending to threaten them. And no one seemed to care. Luckily Alder is my son and just the noise from the room was too much for him so he followed me back out to the living room.

Now I understand that I live in a bit of a "crunchy" public radio no TV bubble, but I was a public school teacher for five years and I can not remember ever this much focusing on guns. To be honest it really disturbed me. I know that it was a hyped on sugar get together but still it seemed so unchecked.

I should explain that it isn't as if I have a hate of guns, certainly not those used by hunters, in fact I spent many winters in Durango eating the elk, pheasant, venison and turkey that my friends would kill. I can even say one of my favorite toys as a child was a toy gun that my father and I made together that shot little pieces of cardboard. But in all these situations there was a great deal of understanding of what guns were for and the real effects that they can have.

The father of the boy whose room this was is a hunter, in fact he had just shot a bear that day. I thought that if anyone hunters are the ones who try to have their children understand guns and safety the best, because there are real guns around, but it seems as though it isn't always that way.

Besides the fact that they were guns I was also shocked by the quantity of them. Just the idea that a four year old had sixteen of anyone thing is sad to me. Especially when they are all disposable and pretty much interchangeable, why so many?

What does all of this means in relation to how I want to bring up Alder?

Violence is not okay, ever. Not for Alder while he is still young and forming his early sense of self. I know eventually weapons will make there way into his play, whether is pretending to be a medieval knight or a Greek soldier violence will enter the picture. But I would like for it to be introduced within the frame work of a story, one whose meaning goes beyond the fight. But these are not stories that he needs to hear for another four years, at least. Until then I am absolute in my feelings about violence and the associated play. If this means that I may shield my son from certain cartoons or other media (hey we already don't watch TV except fpr movies) I have absolutely no problem with that.

Of course no answer can ever be that simple. Alder already is growing up in house with weapons in it. Kevin practices martial arts and uses swords, staffs and kuan-daos as part of his practice. But Kevin frames it as an art form, sure he can protect himself as need be but he has never deliberately gotten into a fight. Alder may end up learning to use a sword in one of the sets that Kevin does which have more in common with ballet than with fighting (something he pointed out to me). To me this is a good thing, I think that if he learns about weapons first with respect he will be more apt to make better judgments later on.

Of course all of this means that Kevin and I have had to make some choices in our movie watching habits because we like to watch action movies. I can still recite Raiders of the Ark and James Bond (Sean Connery Roger Moore or Pierce Brosnan only please) is in regular rotation in my favorites list. But now they are left for later evening viewing.

When Alder is all grown up I'll be able to see whether any of this has an affect, but I'm not going to let it slide just because there isn't a lot of evidence one way or the other (according to one GAO study I read).

How do you approach things like this in your families?

followed by busy-ness

2008-10-26T13:45:00.002-04:00

And after a week of firsts we had a week of non-stop go.. and so my dear friends I will try to find a moment to come back to this space because I do have a lot to say but I haven't found a moment even to take pictures in the last week. I will add that the last week was also filled with me loosing things: keys, wallets, knitting, my way driving. None of these things were permament but still disconcerting and out of character.

Lots of Firsts

2008-10-20T19:11:00.003-04:00

(Coffee alone at Amy's after dropping Alder off for the first time)

We've been having a lot of firsts this past week, especially for Alder. Last Friday was his first day at Beyond Childcare, where he will be spending a very long Friday. His first day at "school "went well, he is such an easy kid. I am conflicted about sending him at all but we can't get around it with our schedules. At least Beyond is more a home than a school and it as if he just joins their family for the day.

Then yesterday we went to our first Kinder Circle at the Circle School. We spent four hours with a lot of kids and parents singing songs, going on a walk, eating delicious food, and playing. Alder was hesitant at first, although he knew a few of the children. But by the end of the morning he was piled in with all the other children. There were twelve children there and it was the most people his size he has ever been around. For myself it was wonderful, spending time with like minded parents felt so good. After a year of isolation, except for one other family, for people with similar ideas about bringing up children, and life in general it felt so warm and welcoming.

I am thinking a lot about education again, not changing my goals and beliefs but joining the conversation with other parents. I mentioned to one woman yesterday that our educational plans for Alder is part of an evolving conversation. In someways the education itself is a conversation that is also evolving. More on this later.

Making

2008-10-16T08:01:00.003-04:00

There has been a lot of making going on around here lately. Alder has been drawing a lot and I've been knitting. Kevin even made a new comforter cover.

Chicken

Sweater

A favorite place to draw

I can't wait to start to start this hat and this one as well.

But now we're off on an sewing adventure, heading down to get fabric for curtains and well a little bit of temptations.

When I Stole Time

2008-10-15T01:04:00.004-04:00

I stole hours today, no one noticed that they were gone but I took them. Alone at a table I wrote, the quite of the library. Among the laptops at the tables I was the lone notebook and I reveled in the ink and paper. I wrote until it was a rhythm, until I no longer had to think of the next word, until the pages blurred. I lost myself in blue ink and thoughts, I left behind the staid brown ink-the sepia that has glued me together for the past few months. Occasionally inspired by a thought I would search out a book, read a few lines, then return to writing. When I finally left the library a small cairn of them marked my seat.

Now typing I realize again why I love paper and ink. Typing takes me a step away from my words, from forming the curves and lines that make the letters. Here I am repeating the thoughts of my mind but on paper it is my mind leaking to the page.

Part One Autumn

2008-10-13T20:15:00.002-04:00

This is my favorite time of year, the stretch between the middle of October until Thanksgiving. I love how each day I can see new changes in the landscape around me. The smells of leaves and the way it changes from sweet to hard. The loss of light steadies me, letting me know that it is time to dig in, create things, share with family, eat and cook lots. And so with that in mind Alder and I headed an hour south for a weekend with some of the women in my family for fair going and menu planning. There was also a stop with my godparents for a long talk about life on the porch.

A Blogging post

2008-10-09T12:04:00.002-04:00

I've noticed ever since I started using Blogger Reader I have gotten pretty lazy about leaving comments on other people's blogs. Also there is no longer the excitement of opening up a blog I like to find that there is in fact a new post to read. So with these things in mind I am going to return my "reading list" to the side of my blog so I can once again start going to the blogs themselves. I know this isn't very thrilling for you to read but I felt like sharing.

If your wondering the date last night was wonderful. Abi I took your advice ;)

alone in the morning

2008-10-08T08:42:00.003-04:00

The bright blue rental car is packed with three suitcases and they pulled out of the driveway about a half hour ago. Then Kevin left for work, the car protesting as he started it. Now the house is still I am alone with the autumn on a gray morning. From my desk I can see Morning Doves play on the wires across the street, dipping in and out of my view through the condensation. My hands are cold, making me think of the fingerless gloves I want to knit and through that to my friend who is pregnant across the pass. I wish I could be sitting with her talking about nothing like we did last summer. But the autumn is a time of selfish solitude for me, I love the transition from life to slumber I revel in the going darkness.

Tonight we will go on our first date since we moved from Colorado. Then we'll come home and tumble into bed, no one will join us in the middle of the night, no one will come in the morning and list all of our body parts and ask for kisses on his. But for one night and morning it is okay.

Saturday's Market

2008-10-06T08:00:00.002-04:00

Kevin's parents are in town so I thought I would leave you with a few pictures from the farmer's market this past weekend.

Learning from each other

2008-10-04T07:45:00.003-04:00

The other day Alder and I went for a hike in a near by state park. As we followed the short trail Alder and I made a game of finding the trail markers, every tree that had a dash of blue paint he would go up to and point out. We followed only the blue ones, leaving the gray ones when they were no longer on the same trees (the gray trail went off another direction). It was a fun game that lasted the entire mile of the short loop trail but it was much more than that too. Alder is learning an important skill in our lives. We go hiking a lot so knowing how to follow trail markers is important. Perhaps it the Jewish mother in me coming out but I do have nightmares (the awake variety) of loosing Alder in the woods.

But showing him how to find the trail is more than teaching him an important safety skill it is a way to include him in something that we do together as a family. Until now he had always either ridden in the backpack or just stomped through the woods finding pine cones and "nut-corns" (acorns) but the other day he was aware of the "nut-corns" as well as the painted markings. He would run from tree to tree, still stopping to explore the undergrowth but excited at each painted mark he found. Even today as we uploaded the pictures he pointed to this one as said paint.

At the time that I showed him the paint marks it was more of an after thought, something I did to quell my own imagination, but as we hiked on I realized that showing him the trail markers was a way of sharing something I loved with him, introducing him to my world, the same way that giving him small balls of yarn and some knitting needles to play with while I'm knitting includes him. He watches us and knows when we care about something, these are the things that he tries to join in. Some days I catch him standing in the same position Kevin does he standing meditation, quietly looking at the world around him.

But he isn't just a little mimic, there are so many activities I would have never thought of doing if it wasn't for him. I catch myself walking on the raised edges of sidewalks when I am walking to work alone, or counting motorcycles as I pass them in the car, these are his activities that I have now adopted. He has also taught me to slow down (a process that was begun by our cat five years ago) some day we don't leave the house. He can find hours of things to do in these five rooms. Or we may take an hour to walk six blocks, not because we are talking to others but because there is so much to explore, walls to walk on, slugs to follow as they make their way across the sidewalk, puddles to jump in until they no longer have any water left, and cats to watch as they stalk birds.

So while I am bringing him into my world he is doing same for me.

Longing

2008-10-01T15:59:00.003-04:00

For the last few days I have been longing for snow. Usually I am excited for autumn and I am happy that it is here but something in me wants winter with it's long dark nights and white days. Mainly though I have been dreaming of the smell of snow how it smells like water but without the humid after tones. After a year filled with bright colors and shades of pink and orange I want the restfulness of whites and grays.... Or maybe it is the silence I crave, the year has been filled with noise and I am ready again to retreat into my head and empty out a little, spend more time making than planning. In winter I am less inclined to run all over the place and I need this pause.

There is a photo my father took years ago of cattails in the snow. The reeds are black against a white of late afternoon winter sun, that is what I want my world to look like. I want it to taste the way it tastes when I suck the water out of a fist full of snow and I want it to smell like fires and water and cold all at once.

Rather than being frustrated by my longing it invigorates me. It is the action verb winter not the noun.

Impressions of a new town 1

2008-10-01T00:00:00.004-04:00

Most mornings clouds hang low over town, weighed down with the humidity of the river, only barely above the three steeples. In the clouds a quiet permeates the streets far later than in another town. The sounds of trucks laboring up Main street are absorber, leaving blatant holes where their noise should be. Well past nine the town is quiet.

Eventually the mist floats the river and evaporates or is absorbed into the hill that couch the river. Then the town shrugs off its silence. Trains heading south full of lumber, or north with scrap metal punctuate the the day with their rhythm while cars pausing at intersections leak music from their windows; sometimes the heavy beats of hip-hop compete with enthusiastic mandolins.

New York

2008-09-29T14:42:00.002-04:00

It was supposed to be a Zoo trip but the weather had other plans so we went to a children's museum on Saturday and wandered around town on Sunday. Every time I go to New York I ask myself if I could move back there. And for a while I think I could, except then I start to think about the stuff that I really value in our life and time and freedom are two of the most important things to me. In New York we would loose access to the natural world. But the biggest issue for me is the cost of the city. I know our financial situation has a lot of work needed. But if we were in the city we would have to be making even more money to just get by. I like the fact that even though we have a little way to go until we are stable, it isn't years away only a little while. New York would mean making too many changes to out life. But really in the end I am lucky, I can live here in Vermont and go visit when ever I want because of my family. I don't think I would want to change anything.

Settling Back In- Just one day

2008-09-24T19:09:00.002-04:00

Oh did I have a blog. Actually I have been wanting to blog but our internet was a headache for a week and with everything else going on I just couldn't bring myself to sit down. The move has been really stressful for all of us but we are starting to get into a rhythm that works. Today was as close to normal as I've had in what seems like a year. We started with stopping by all three of us stopping by a bakery. Then Kevin headed off to work and Alder and I headed for a wander.

First to the bead store for supplies for a birthday gift. Which turned into a bit of a toddler time at the bead bath.

Then to the art store to visit the fish and all the colors. We spent ten minutes pointing to colors in the pastels and Alder started to understand that there are lots of different sorts of blues and greens.

After that it was off to the library for puzzles and choosing books for the week.

Then we were going to head home but it was getting close to one and I had to head off a mini meltdown by eating at the food co-op, Alder's favorite because he can have a plate of Peas, Olives and Tomatoes. It actually is the best lunch in town, both of us ate for seven dollars.

Then it was outside to the midweek farmers market for peaches and apple. Then we started for home... except we met another mama and kids and started talking so we went for a long walk with them. Until we passed by a playground and Alder was set on going (did I mention we didn't have the stroller) so they went home and we played for an hour or so. Then I carried him the mile home (have I mentioned just how hilly Brattleboro is?).

Once home we played with the beads on his table and made cookies to freeze. There was an almost meltdown when the cookie was too hot but we made it all the way until without any tears from either of us. I can hear the buzzer for what ever Kevin's cooking so I should end now.

Back on line

2008-09-15T10:23:00.002-04:00

I'm back!!!!

We turned on our computer this morning and plugged it in to find that they had turned on our internet connection. So much has gone on in the last month and a half that it may not all make on here but there will be pictures and a few tales.

Kevin and Alder are heading out for three days of camping over in the Adirondacks so I'll put up a proper catch up post then. For those of you who asked to see what this new town looks like there are pictures to come, although I can't really get the feeling of the town in pictures yet.

I will say that after this move I really hope we don't have to pack up again any time soon, we've moved three times in three years, closed two businesses, had a baby and finished grad school (Kevin) we are tired and we may very well hibernate all winter just like the bears.

Slim time online

2008-08-29T14:50:00.002-04:00

So we won't have internet in the house for a while. I'm cheating and doing this at work. Quick update, we love our new town. Kevin is busy with acupuncture clients. I'm working part time and am loving it, nice to be out of the house and interacting with adults. There will be more updates on occasions so check back-like once a week. As soon as I can I'll start up again.

I hope everyone is savoring the end of August and the hint of Autumn in the air.

35

2008-08-13T16:21:00.004-04:00

On my 35th birthday I am once again borrowing a computer to write my blog. That's okay, Alder is outside playing with chickens and a friend while I'm sitting here in their kitchen trying to think of what to say. Unfortunately I am completely uninspired, I blame the lack of sleep due to a twitchy-legged husband last night.

We have a lot on our plate right now, new jobs (for both of us), moving, and Alder with his all of his daily changes. I'll try to get back here often but things might be slim for the next month or so.

Studio Inspiration

2008-08-06T12:22:00.002-04:00

Spaces click here for flickr credits

Moods click here for flickr credits

Our New Home

2008-08-05T17:37:00.002-04:00

Just a quick note while in the midst of packing and unpacking. So far we love everything about our new home. Especially the kitchen, the fenced backyard, the light, the shed/studio. Gas prices are killing us and causing us to stuff the car to the brim each trip. Luckily Grandma and Grandpa watched Alder all day Saturday and Sunday so we could move some really big things. Perhaps a moving truck would have been a good idea, except that would have meant erasing one life before starting the next and with a toddler that's near impossible. For right now we're spending a few nights in each house as needed.

We really don't have much choice about how we move right now, we don't have access to a truck so it's load by load. Luckily Kevin has a client in Bennington who wants to get treated anytime he's around so she's paying for our gas.

I hope everyone out there is having a great August, it's my favorite month (actually the August September cusp is)

For our fifth anniversary

2008-08-02T15:50:00.004-04:00

Eight years ago we met, a blind date and we ended up tree climbing. Five years ago today we were married. I still look forward to seeing you everyday that we are apart. Our life isn't perfect but I wouldn't want to share it with anyone else. I love you Kevin, lets keep creating stories and having adventures.

Brief Diversion

2008-07-30T19:20:00.002-04:00

Long day, boxes to pack, needed a little inspiration.

Ani Difranco Interview with Mindful Mama Magazine from Mindful Mama Magazine on Vimeo.

Is there anyone more motivation than Ani?

All at once now

2008-07-30T06:34:00.003-04:00

Just a little brief update before the chaos ensues. Today I am going to a "working interview" as in I am going to work for a few days and get paid then we'll discuss if we are the right fit. Tomorrow we pick up the keys for our new apartment, Friday we work on moving, Saturday is the BIG move day (that's relative since we're doing it in a Vitara) and it also happens to be our 5th anniversary. Sunday Kevin works and we...well that's a good question. Luckily we have an overlapping month in the apartments to move (it's 80 miles round trip). Now if I could only manifest a pickup truck.

About a year ago I was doing this. Moving was so exciting then. Now it hardly seems like we've started packing.

Have a good Wednesday.

A weekend

2008-07-28T14:18:00.002-04:00

A sleeping Alder is giving me a moment to tell you a little about our weekend.

A Project

Dinner Out with the Girls

Spending Time with Family, following in traditions.

Not photographed: a pitiful yard sale (enough for lunch and what we bought at the really cool yard sale across the street), two job interviews, and Alder spending the day with Irie and Sarah with us away. Now I really should be filling boxes.

Graveyard

2008-07-24T16:19:00.003-04:00

On Sunday Alder and I went for a long walk around town. It was hot and sticky out, but then it was hot and sticky in the house as well and at least outside there was a little bit of a breeze. There isn't really too much you can do in town unless the farmer's market is going on. The playground is a little too much of a walk and part of it is on a busy road with no sidewalk. So we headed up to Old Bennington since, well it's there.

Once we were there we ended up checking out the graveyard of the church, the oldest church in the state. It's sort of a pilgrimage spot, Robert Frost is buried there. I'm not a pilgrimage sort of person, at least not to someone's grave. Sure I'd love to see Sonia Delaunay's studio or visit Ghost Ranch, but I think grave visiting is about as inspirational as standing in line at the DMV.

That being said I do love graveyards and graves. Not in a morbid fashion. I just love looking at graves and imagining lives for all the people who lay in them. In college I found the grave of a woman who had died young, 23 or 4, named Isabella some time in the early 1800's I would often go and spend time on her grave imagining her life and sharing mine with her (silently of course). I also have a fascination with those big grave stones that house lots of people and mausoleums, they always feel as though there is some great mystery attached to them.

All this being said this past trip to the graveyard was a nice break from a hot sticky and boring day.

Healing

2008-07-23T14:34:00.004-04:00

It's been a few days of healing for me, taking some time to think and sleep. I am slowly coming back to myself, tired but not so hopeless. I'm trying to do more, make more and plan less. I'm not very good at this, I'm a planner by nature. I think I need some sort of project to invigorate me, something personal and crafty. Even though there is so much going on here I need some focus.

(I just sort of like this little guy from my sketchbook)

I am the Storm

2008-07-21T15:26:00.004-04:00

I'm not sure if I should be posting this here, it's sort of personal.

We are broke , search the couch for change to buy milk sort of broke. I didn't think we were going to be here again. It wasn't the supposed to be this way. But then no one ever plans on going broke and certainly not when they spent a year writing a business plan and securing funding for the business- the business that your husband went to graduate school for four year to do.

Where does this leave you but borrowing money from your parents again, to pay rent. Of course, this money comes with the rights. The ones where they can start telling you what you should be doing now. The ones that mean despite being 35 and despite the many hours on our own hashing out what went wrong and what we need to change, they are entitled to go through all of this again with the biting feel of parental disappointed, akin to being fifteen.

Your decisions are judged and everything you do is doubted. Bring into this a happy 2 year old who everyone loves. Suddenly he is the subject of scrutiny, is he speaking enough, does he eat the right things, what if he's sick can we care for him? You feel watched from afar, you try to give all the right information, the truth highlighting progress; both your's and the 2 year old. But it is difficult when most days are spent just getting between morning and bedtime. It's hard to make enough progress for people when you work at the speed of life and their expectations are at the speed of imagination. It's hard to explain how life can't be put aside to make things happen, how a crying son can't be left to later. Then there are the few minutes a day you used to have yourself can. Those few moments that are all you have left, except that someone else has a claim on them. All of this adds to the stress, the feelings, and to the life you are still living.

The feelings are so complicated you are almost 35 and you have a 2 year old who you are moving again for the 2nd time since he was born. There are days you can't look at his always happy face because it makes you cry. You know that he is witnessing all those things in your house that you swore against before you had a child. It makes you want to cry knowing that every time you correct him (no hitting, no ripping books) he cries a little longer and a little louder. You are afraid that you will ruin this happy child. But you are so tired and stressed that it is hard not to be frustrated in front of him, and even with him. It hurts more when you know how you want to be with him and haven't the energy to do it.

Instead you two take long walks-where you can think while he jumps from steps and later sleeps in the stroller- and play with puppets sometimes, which is easier than other games. Other days are good you get out and see friends (and their chickens) you make your meals together and draw together. On the good days there is some order to things there are games and naps. On those days it seems like it could stay that way, but you can't do it not with all the stresses in your life. Maybe the next morning, or the next, something will set off again and life will not fit. You will be in the playground too long or too short, the very favorite wooden spoon will be missing just as the sink is filled for playing. Then you will both be grumpy, because you won't get to play and I won't get a rest, especially when Baba is gone for eleven hours for work- leaving us without a car.

To be honest there are days that are worse- ones where I wake up a storm and nothing you or Baba does will make it better. My tears will flow. I will want to hide, and I will want to be the center of attention. I will stomp my feet and yell or I will curl in a ball and cry. On these days I ruin everything for everyone, even if the fight is inside of me it spills out around me. Baba needs to pick up the pieces of debris; the frightened child, the crumpled Mama. As the storm in me drifts I start to look for the possibilities. The next day will be delicate, all of us recovering from the storm but the next will be back to normal, until our stresses begin to rise again.

Gift Making

2008-07-19T18:35:00.004-04:00

We had a birthday party for a friend turning 4 today and I decided to make him a little something to inspire his creativity. So last night I put together this little drawing case for him.

(excuse the blur..thank you blogger)

The green fabric was from a shirt that used to be my dad's. I was originally going to make one of the pencil rolls that are in Creative Family but I thought my design looked like a book so I went with it.

Sketching

2008-07-18T09:46:00.004-04:00

I haven't been able to get into my studio to make anything in weeks. Actually it's half in boxes and the rest is strewn everywhere. So I decided to take my creative energy and start sketching again. I haven't had a sketch book since before Alder was born. The nice thing about a sketchbook is that I can take it along. So while A is in the sandbox I can draw (I'm not exactly a playground socialite).

On the cost cutting front so far we've baked one loaf of bread and the only food purchased out was a cup of coffee and a brownie (I was working at a late night fair downtown last night)

Cutting Costs

2008-07-16T18:28:00.003-04:00

Like everyone else out there we have been struggling with the rise in cost of oil. Both directly with our gas tank and indirect with food. We have decided to use the next month to cut our spending as much as possible. In fact we have challenged ourselves in a few different areas of our life to see how the changes affect our bank account. I admit that while a lot of these changes are ones that we have been wanting to make for a long time our reasons for changing them now are initiated by our personal need to spend less money.

We've already reduced the amount of extra driving trips from our life, this has been especially tough for me who is a wanderer by nature so I have had to get used to having my wings clipped. I am starting to discover more nearby and really appreciate the times that I do get to go for longer drives. But driving is still a big part of our life (at least for the next few weeks) since Kevin is now commuting four days a week out of town.

The changes that we are making are as follows:

1) Eating out only once a week. Other than books, which we have already cut way down on this is really our only extra expenditure.

2) Move to the town where Kevin is working, in walking distance of his job. This is a big one, right now we have an almost 500 dollar a month gas bill. It will also cut down on driving because there is a lot for Alder and I to do in this town that is either walking distance or very short drives.

3) We are moving into a much smaller apartment that is all on one floor. This is more important for the winter when we won't have as much to heat. Plus it has a fenced in yard and is a few blocks from a playground.

4) We are going to get back into baking all of our bread products. Another bonus of our new apartment is that it has a great kitchen. Right now we're stuck with barely any counter space.

5) Air dry most of our laundry, this one is still going to take some persuading of Kevin but I'm determined.

I'm going to use this blog to help me keep track of our progress. In theory the eating out ban is only for a month but we hope that we'll just get into the habit.

Any other ideas on cost cutting is welcome.

It's a do nothing sort of day

2008-07-14T12:47:00.002-04:00

I feel like sitting here all day eating chocolate Newman's Os and playing on Flickr. Instead I really should be cleaning up the house and starting to pack up, maybe sew something. Alder and Kevin went up to his office to build a table. It's awfully quiet in the house right now.

Wishing everyone a peaceful day.

good morning

2008-07-11T06:51:00.006-04:00

I managed to have two hours to myself this morning before anyone else was up. I used it well journaling and drinking twig tea. Now the house is alive with the chaos the two boys I live with create.

a rare pause
robin looking in the window
silence
tea pot interrupting
words pushing through the silence
brown ink spilling from my sleepy mind
a few moments where I am part of the morning
another part of the earth
coming into focus with the rising sun

News

2008-07-09T08:43:00.002-04:00

So I promised not to tell you all the heart aches and decision making process for what we were going to do with our life until we had a definite plan. And now we do. A few months ago we were in Brattleboro (VT) were playing at our favorite toy store when Kevin decided to go across the street to stop into the acupuncture center across the street to say hi. The acupuncturist wasn't there but he left his card. A few days later he got a call asking if he wanted a job a few days a week and he's been working there ever since, and gaining new days. So we've ordered the boxes and are starting to fill them.... god I hope this is are last move for a while. The move is a good one, that whole area seems more receptive to acupuncture and Kevin still has a small private practice that he'll keep going.

Until then we're packing up and enjoying the summer here. Luckily theres only one more month of commuting for Kevin (poor guy he hates driving and he's got an 80 mile daily commute).

By the way this is what we were doing last year.

A Weekend Away

2008-07-07T21:21:00.002-04:00

We're back after a long weekend out at the cabin. Time was filled with exploring, cooking, family, friends, eating, exploring, a healthy interest in peeing in the potty, and more eating. The weather never seemed to want to stay sunny long enough to go swimming but we did make some new friends.

Alder's party was fun. The low effort recipe I decided on had me running off at 7 am on 4th of July to find panchetta over 30 miles away (hey I'm not one to skimp on a recipe), followed by covering the house with flour looking for places to dry noodles (did I mention how low effort this meal was?). But it all came together was people arrived. Alder even had a few friends to run up and down the hill and jump off of rocks.

But being back home I'm ready to start on the next project... oh wait I haven't mentioned that yet, I'll elaborate tomorrow.

We're Off!

2008-07-02T11:53:00.003-04:00

As summer has gone into full swing around here with farm visits, yard sales and barbecues we are heading out of town for a week for time with family at the cabin and an early birthday party for Alder. So this is a hodge-podge of an entry.

1) Maple Pudding: [based loosly on How to Cook Everything Vanilla Pudding Recipe)
1/4 cup of sugar
1/4 cup maple syrup (you can adjust the sugar to maple ratio to suit yourself)
3 table spoons of cornstarch
3 eggs (the fresher the better)
2 1/2 cups milk (you can use cream or half and half but I wouldn't use skim)
2 tablespoons of butter

Directions
1) mix sugar, salt and cornstarch in a pot.
2) mix eggs milk and maple in a bowl until even in color.
3) turn heat under pot to medium.
4) pour in egg mixture while whisking and continue whisking for about ten minutes, the mixture will begin to thicken.
5) once off the stove add butter and mix until butter is all incorporated.
6) put into 4 bowls or ramekins, cover (tin foil or such) and refrigerate.
7) when you are ready to eat it serve it in the bolws. If you are feeling gluttonous serve with warm syrup or cream.

2) One Local Summer Meal

[I don't have miles on this meal]

Sauteed Lamb with Garlic Scapes

Polenta with Gorgonzola

Steamed Spinach

American Edible

2008-07-01T11:09:00.002-04:00

An amazing women's theater group. I miss seeing them live. Here's a bit about the food we eat.

One Local Summer week 3

2008-06-30T08:44:00.002-04:00

This week was a bit of a rushed meal, as in we started cooking hungry but chose to make something that took too long so we ended up eating the main dish really quickly and only slowing down when it came to dessert.

Pasta with Chard and Basil Pesto

Flour: 80 miles Champlain Valley
Eggs: 7 miles MDC Poultry, free range eggs
water, local
Basil: 7 miles Mighty Food Farm CSA
Chard: 7 Miles Mighty Food Farm CSA
Maggie's Round (young cheddar): 17 Miles Cricket Creek Farm
Olive Oil: not local

Maple Pudding

Eggs: 7 miles MDC Poultry, free range eggs
Milk (raw): 17 Miles Cricket Creek Farm
Maple Syrup: VT local (can't remember where from)
Cornstarch: not local
Sugar: not local

Rosemary Quiche Bread Recipe

2008-06-24T11:38:00.004-04:00

First off I want to apoligize about the lack of pictures on the blog. I am doing my blogging at the library which doesn't permit the use of any disks. Usually I can go over to a friends to load pictures but the last time I was their her router was sluggish (understatement). So for now I'm going to stick to words. When I finally get to loading pictures we can all do a happy dance, especially you Alder fans.

Nicole asked for the Rosemary Bread Quiche recipe [I improvised in the making the first time so all of this is approximation]

1 round loaf of bread (I chose Rosemary bread you could do it with anything although I would avoid using anything too dense like a black bread since in won't absorb the liquids as well.)

4 or 5 eggs depending on size, we had one short guy and one really skinny one so we went with 5.

1 cup or so of milk.

1/2 lbs of komatsuna (or other hard green like kale or collards)

1/2 cup goat impasta (again approximation)

a pinch of salt

butter, enough to spread on inside of bread (I'll explain in a bit)

Directions: [preheat oven 425]

1. In a bowl mix together the milk and eggs until uniform in color but not foamy.

2. Add impasta to liquids, set aside.

3. Cut off the top of the bread and dig out the innards, like making a bread bowl for soup. note:save the rest for stuffing or croutons)

4. Roughly chop up komatsuna and add to liquids.

5. Butter the bottom of the loaf of bread and the insides.

6. Put bread in a baking pan (I like glass or cast iron since they heat more evenly than the thin metal cake pans)

7. Pour egg mixture into bread.

8. Cook for approx 30 minutes, although I start checking at 20 minutes. You want the insides set on the edges but still liquid in the middle, a little, since it continues to cook after you take it out.

Unfortunately while this is great the first time round it didn't make for the greatest leftovers, so come with a big appetite or have friends over.

Enjoy!

OSL Week 2

2008-06-18T16:11:00.005-04:00

One Local Summer week 2 (I'm behind by a week, at some point here there will be two, if I can mange to get to a computer that often) note that this meal was made away from home so the milage is from both our house and the place that we had the meal. The two houses are 40 miles apart.

Rosemary Bread Quiche

1 loaf of Rosemary Bread 4 miles Olde Creamery, Cummington MA
komatsuna (collard greens like veggie) 4 miles Mighty Food Farm , Pownal VT
eggs 3 miles, Hawley MA
milk, regional Western Massachusetts Cooperative Dairy
goat cheese impasta, Guilford VT, 50 miles (but 18 from where Kevin works)
salt, not local.

Sauteed Kolrabi

kolrabi 4 miles Mighty Food Farm, Pownal VT
garlic, not local
salt, not local
chives, 0 miles kitchen garden.

Strawberry Shortcake

strawberries 2 miles, The Apple Barn, Bennington VT
cream 22 miles, Hadley MA
flour 70 miles aprox, King Aurthur Flour.
butter, regional, Cabot creamery (VT coop)
salt, not local
baking powder, not local
baking soda, not local

OLS week 1

2008-06-10T11:43:00.003-04:00

This week's One Local Summer

I only got a picture I only got a picture of the bread.

Meal:

Salad
Lettuce - 7 miles Mighty Food Farm CSA, Pownal VT
Radishes - 7 miles Mighty Food Farm CSA Pownal VT
Onion- aprox 25 miles Local farm from Western Mass.

Dressing
Olive oil- not local
Vinegar- 170 aprox made by my aunt, Woburn MA
Mustard- not local

Bread (NO Knead Bread):

White bread flour- 75 miles Champlain Valley Flour
Kosher Salt- not local
Yeast- not local
Water- from tap

Goat Cheese Impasta- (farm name to be added later) Gilford VT 75 miles

Now now now

2008-06-06T08:56:00.004-04:00

I am a planner. I spend hours of my day thinking about what we are going to do tomorrow, next week, five years from now. Lately it's been almost obsessive. I was constantly thinking about things I wanted to do with Alder when he gets older. I was thinking about what our life would be like once we're settled. The list went on and on. All of this focusing on the future means that I have been sort of miserable with the now. The future is always perfect since it isn't corrupted by reality of things like dishes, bills, or grumpiness.
April 2008 June 2008

Then yesterday I took Alder out for lunch at a restaurant that we hadn't been to for months. Sitting there looking at him eating the same meal I was hit by how much I had missed out in the last few months because I was not focused on what we are doing now. Where had I been while he changed so rapidly? what was I doing while we were taking walks and playing?

Well, I had been preparing reading books and more books I had been waiting for a certain start to things. I must be a dolt or something because it has taken me 22 months to really get that right now is what I should be excited about. Yes I should be planning tomorrow and possibly next week but I should be doing these things to be living with the world I am in now. With the risk of sounding like a new-age book I need to focus more on living in the now.

To that end I am starting to make more immediate plans. It is summer and we live in Vermont, there are farms to visit, trails to hike, festivals to enjoy. On that note I plan on filling this space with more activities and less ponderings, at least for a while.

Becoming Native to This Place

2008-06-03T08:06:00.003-04:00

I just started to reread Wes Jackson's Becoming Native to This Place it is about "integrating food production with nature in a way that sustains both." It's fairly farming focused but the concepts are broader how do we live with the land we are on, not impose upon it.

However this isn't about his book, except the title. I am having to learn to become native to this place. This place is having a toddler, being a mother and being a parent with someone else. All of these are the things you don't plan for. People talk constantly about the changes having a baby bring about. But for us a baby was only sort of a change, Alder was easy, other than bars and concerts our life didn't change too much. He just came along happy to be part of our world, looking out from his perch in the Baby Bjorn. Even as he got heavier the switch to the stroller and backpack were smooth.

Since New Years my sweet happy to come along with me little boy has become a person in his own right. He is still sweet and lovable as ever but now he has opinions about everything. About what he wants to do, and when. About what music we should listen to, and when we should not listen to music. All of this is amazing to watch happen but it changes things. So we struggle sometimes with his wants and ours. If he had his way he would be outside every moment of the day until bath time.

In the mornings he still curls up in bed with me to cuddle and talk. We name everything we can see from the bed, in the room and out the window. We sing songs and rhymes. We tickle and snuggle. But now the hour of welcoming the world has been cut to a half hour then he slides down the stairs to papa who will give him some food and take him OUT (his newest word). So I rush to get up to get my brief moments of alone time before Kevin is off to work (this is a rare treat to be at the coffee shop blogging).

Our day is full of the pulls and pushes of two personalities going through the day, getting the must dos done and leaving as much time for just going for walks or playing in the pile of dirt in our yard as possible. But this isn't easy for me, I feel trapped, both by the limits he puts on what we do and by the lack of a car. There is only so much we can do in walking distance from our home. When it rains we are even more limited to our scope of adventure. By the time Kevin comes home I am desperate to have a real conversation, to go to the bathroom by myself.

But being us, the three of us isn't always smooth either. We haven't quite learned how to spend time all together without turning it into tag team Alder watching. We've seemed to have forgotten how to be together. So now we try, we stay together in rooms, not always but less of one of us fleeing. It isn't fleeing from him more trying to find our own little moments. We've realized that while Kevin may need 14 hours a day to work on his business our weekend time is precious that we need to spend it all together as much as possible.

It is all learning how to be together as family, as three people with likes dislikes needs and wants. It isn't easy but everyday we seemed to be able to do it a little more naturally. But there are still blowouts as we become native to this place of being three.

The World Made By Hand- a Book Review and Tangents

2008-05-27T11:22:00.004-04:00

Our little part of Vermont sits in the corner butting up against Berkshire county in Massachusetts and Washington and Rensselaer Counties in New York. So, when I picked up James Kunstler's World Made By Hand I knew the setting intimately. Kunstler, who is more known for his nonfiction books takes draws on the ideas from much of his other writing, including the Long Emergency.

The idea behind the novel is that oil has run out, the United States has been ed in Washington DC and Los Angeles, and there has been two epidemics that have wiped out 1/3 of the population. But that is just the background. The story focuses on one small town in upstate New York and what life is like there. Told through the eyes of Robert who is a carpenter (at least at this point of his life) we see how, in a time when there is no power, no cars, and no centralized government, how the world of this small town evolves. While the plot of the story is driven by various conflicts and adventures Kunstler spends most of his time describing how, in a world without all of the modern "necessities" people get things done.

After reading the first third of the book one night I had to put it down for an entire week. I would get up in the middle of the night and think about the best way to use the land the family cabin is on, I made a list of all the skills I need to learn, I even figured out details about what strengths different family members had how they would be useful. I had to put the book down so that I could refocus myself. After a few days I went from the stressful 'Oh my god this is going to happen tomorrow' attitude to seeing that this isn't immediate but it is possible one.

Last night I picked up the book again last night and finished it. The stress of the week before had subsided and I was excited to find out about the characters. While it isn't a complex emotional story Kunstler does manage to make a reasonable transition from nonfiction to fiction with this novel. I've reviews that criticize his white only setting of the novel but I think it makes sense, he wanted to focus on how things would work, the only diversity is religious. But every book can't be everything, it is just one story so I forgive him the limits he put on the story. It would have been a different book if there were cultural differences that had to be addressed. This is a work of fiction it doesn't have to all things for all people.

The stress that World Made by Hand has left me with has transformed into an excitement that I haven't felt since childhood. While I know none of this is going to happen tomorrow or next month I get a thrill from imagining what exactly life would be like. As a kid I would spend hours imagining so many different realities for myself. What if I was a medieval knight on the road what would I bring? What would it be like to live in "olden days" (Little House on the Prairie)? These questions would fill my mind for hours, including much of my school days. But now I understand that it isn't just if these events happen to prepare for them but that some of these skills and approaches to life might actually be better for me.

All you hear about lately is local food and going green, change for saving our planet has been co-opted by fashion and popularity. What so much of the discussion about these changes forgets is how it affects us as people, right now. We've started making all of our bread products (with a few exceptions) this means that I spend up to an hour a week kneading dough. Not a big deal, except for me it is one of the best parts of my day, sure I could use the mixer to do it but there is something balancing about it, I look forward to it. A lot of these changes involve slowing down and taking more time to focus on ourselves, our families and communities, something that hasn't been important for decades. We live in a country where fame and excessive wealth is considered the apex of achievement. Children are spend more time with nannies and tutors than their own families so that everyone can spend their time 'getting ahead'.

Personally I'd like to slow down a little and spend more time focusing on being a family and enjoying our lives. Of course, that involves financial security but I am not willing to give up our happiness for a financial number that grows inversely to the amount of time we spend together or at least doing things we love.

Art and Cratf part 1 Art

2008-05-17T13:33:00.005-04:00

[Thanks to Abi for letting me use her computer and play with the chickens]

A few weeks ago as I sat in a figure drawing workshop waiting for the model to arrive I was talking to the woman sitting next to me. She is ninety and has been an artist since she was eighteen. Still she makes her way up the four flights of stairs in an old factory building to her son’s studio for our weekly workshop. She was telling me the story of their home on a hill in New Jersey. When she and her husband were looking for a house they drove around the area and he sat in the car with the kids while she checked out the house, if she liked it he would come up and check the yard. That was it, they chose a house that way and bought it on the spot and stayed there for over thirty years.

She talked about how the house was perfect for raising boys, which she had three, with a field in the back and the combined open space with the neighbors they could wander freely. She credits the space where her children could watch the living world what helped two of her four children to become artists. The garage was turned into a studio for her where she would paint and draw all day. Often her husband, also an artist, would come home and look in at what she was working on and tell her that it had been the same thing as what he had been working on that same day.

The conversation drifts from art to music to a discussion of ways of increasing the amount of people who come to our workshop. Right now it is small six or seven people at most (I am the youngest by at least forty years), the problem they have is that when they advertise people show up expecting instruction and the members aren’t there for that, they come together to pay for the artist (and I think for all of us it is nice to get out of the daily routine).

The model comes in and we talk with her a little while about poses and timing and then we draw. There was something particular about that model that was very calm; I found that I did not want to use any gesture lines only smooth shadowing and contour lines. My choices were all about what I wanted the sketches and drawings to look like. I spent the entire three hours discovering what sort of line embodied this woman. There was no purpose to what I was doing beyond the image I was creating; I was creating a piece of art.

After an hour the model is done and I am walking down to my car I feel a buzz of energy, I have spent the last two hours working on one single drawing. I felt as though I had just started and there was so much more that I had to do to in that drawing. But it was late and I was tired, despite the buzz of energy. I drove home scarcely listening to the news on the radio even as news of the cyclone was still new.

I take the time once a week to draw the human body not because I want to eventually do large oil paintings of people; in fact I haven’t done an oil painting since college. I draw from life because as I learn the human body I begin to be able to see the world better. To understand how to put other things down on paper in ways that makes sense to my eyes. Like so many other things in my life I know I need to understand myself, or at least my form, to understand the rest of the world.

Even if a lot of my pieces are abstract I still use what I know from figure drawing to create it. For me all of my pieces are all about finding the balance on the page. When I am working on a collage it is almost like a puzzle to find where each piece belongs with in the balance of the page and the feelings I want to express on it. To me this is art, using a visual medium to create a balance in a specific space.

Of course a specific space does not need to be limited by the edges of a piece of paper. When Christo put up his Gates project in New York’s Central Park he was doing the same thing, limiting his space and creating an emotion with it. To be sure his works have more dimensions because not only do they deal with the visual effect of the pieces but also with the human elements of people interacting with them. Each artist creates these parameters for their works.

The boundaries of art are not limited to the visual, but I can not speak about them with much personal experience (I have already talked about writing quite a bit in this blog). What I understand about the creation of art is that it is a relationship one that leans as much on emotions and imagination as it does on technique. I remember being told in college that a piece of art work is never done but I do not believe this; sometimes it is possible to find the balance and then, if you leave it alone, you are done.

Here is a list of some of the artists who have been inspirations to me for a long time. I am not including any artists that I have discovered lately because I have not sat with them long enough to be influenced, regardless to my attraction to their art.

A Quick Note

2008-05-16T13:54:00.003-04:00

I know my blogging has reached a snail's pace. I actually have a few entries written but right now I am stuck blogging at the library where I can't up load them. Luckily some friends have offered that I can use their computer to get on line. I don't usually pre-write my entries so this has been an interesting experience.

For those of you Alder fans who have been complaining about the lack of pictures. I promise you that he is cuter than ever and that you are totally missing out... but of course you'll see soon.

As for the rest of our life... well you'll just have to wait and see when we figure it all out.

Have a great weekend.

For Mother's Day

2008-05-10T14:59:00.004-04:00

Yesterday while Alder snored in the back seat and I drove through the hills that straddle Vermont and New York I listened to this Mother's Day piece by Eve Schaub and was moved to tears. I don't usually get teary from stories or movies- I'm a cry out of anger or injustice sort of gal, but this did to me.

I give this to everyone of you out there who is a mother or has had one.

Enjoy your Mother's Day

love
Stacey

Motherhooding

2008-05-08T09:57:00.003-04:00

Getting ready Halloween 2005

Meredith had a wonderful quote on her blog from Elizabeth Gilbert: "When you sense a faint potentiality for happiness after such dark times you must grab onto the ankles of that happiness and not let go until it drags you face-first out of the dirt. This is not selfishness, but obligation. You were given life; it is your duty and also your entitlement as a human being to find something beautiful within life, no matter how slight."

To me this is what motherhood can seem like. Some days it seems as though life with A is just a series of actions that waiver from making him happy and getting stuff done. Those are the days where it is a struggle to find the balance of joy or contentment for both of us. I know and understand what I need to give him for happiness, the things to do with our days and minutes that will make him smile and be at peace. But there is a certain sense of unrest that I feel sometimes when there are things to get done or ideas I want to get down on paper or projects I want to start. Days like that I am not a good catch partner, I can not bring myself to love every dandelion he brings me.

I miss alone time when there wasn't a list of things to get done. I miss when the creative process was always the first on my to do list. But I am learning how to include him in my process, when I bake bread he has his own dough to knead and roll. He has his own drawing space, that he goes to when he wants to draw but he wants me there with him, not drawing my own things but sitting there just watching. I want to be him there, I would scribble and draw excitedly. Instead I watch as my linear son is more interested in lining the markers up and balancing the tops on the table.

So I am learning to search out the things to do that we both love to do. We go for long walks, throw sticks into streams, make mud, we bake and we sing silly songs. Still when we come home and we are sitting on the floor stacking jar lids I turn on the radio and occupy my mind with the world through public radio. I am engaged in both directions but I am also full of guilt that I can not love spending every minute in Alder's world.

What is the secret to entering that world? I know I go there sometimes, and the day goes by smoothly, we both get things done to fill our souls but it is a mystery how and why those day come together. Other days I rush to negotiate time alone to finish just a little of what needs to get done, never getting all the way through to creativity. This blog , most days, is my is my creative outlet.

Yet I agree that we need to holding onto happiness, because it is a fight that we are in. A fight with norms a fight with expectations and with loss of autonomy. So I try every night to look back and see what worked, where we were both happy, and I try to hold it close to me and try to live in it so that the next day I can bring these moments back and add more of them to our day. And maybe, just maybe, I'll have the energy to write a few pages or make something after he goes to bed tonight.

Just a Post

2008-05-05T16:42:00.003-04:00

Maybe I should take a break from posting about our saga of choice making. I think I will instead I am going to talk about the other parts of our days, the beautiful bits. Of course everything is a little slow in posting since our internet access is limited to a 2000 laptop at the coffee shop. Still it gets us where we need to go, a little like an old and dependable car.

Instead I'll ask you guys what you want me to talk about, why not.

Leave a comment with ideas!

That Green String

2008-05-02T14:26:00.003-04:00

It's still tied to the whole in a snap
the top one on my jean jacket,
that green string.
Back when everything was in doubt,
like now,
we would all knit on Thursdays
at the bar with our beers or wine
by our sides.
We all seemed to be in transition
new lives shifting
new friendships.
The tumult of uncertainty and
winterness was everywhere.

New England cold in Colorado.
But those Thursday nights there
was a bit of lightness (of heart)
and new adventures planned.
Still days were counted in between.
In a long lingering conversation
(of art and books and politics and music)
we wanted to remember how engaged
and warm it felt.

So each of us cut from our skeins
a little bit to tie where they might be remembered
through the hole in my top layer
a bit of cotton a bit of cotton still remains
each time I see it my mind echos
with the warmth of beer and friends
'there's always knitting' said with humor and love.

Where this road is leading us.

2008-04-30T14:42:00.004-04:00

First I want to thank everyone who has sent good luck our way.

I know this blog has taken a turn towards the negative lately and that isn't really a fair representation of what most of these changes mean for us. Closing the shop was really a choice that I made because I really wanted to spend more time with Alder on his terms. He wasn't made to hangout all day in a shop. I also felt as if I was missing out on so much by being there.

I was right, the last month has been so powerful. I didn't realize how little time I spent focusing on him when I was with him before. Now we have hours to do things together so when there are errands to be run there isn't the feeling of choosing between doing Alder things or Mama things there is time for both. The changes in him were pretty immediate (although they might be coincidental) he's really talking a communicating a lot with new words every day. Also with all the time we have now we can slow down and he does a lot more for himself. Most importantly there are less tears from him and better sleeping.

There are other changes going on that are wonderful as well. Kevin's decision to refocus his practice into a Community Acupuncture clinic, makes sense both for the area we live in as well as our beliefs. Rather than charging 60+ dollars for a visit he will be charging 15-45 sliding scale. The difference in treatment is that the needling focuses on the arms, legs, ear and face. All points that can be accessed without removing clothing. Patients lay in recliners in a communal room where they are free to stay as long as they want. What is missing from these appointments is the 1/2 hr to hour long conversations. He will still have some slots when people can come for full treatments. The point of this sort of clinic is to make acupuncture accessible to more people regardless of what their insurance will cover.

here's a good article also.

So these changes in our life are scary sounding but they really are bringing us closer to what we value and believe in.

train of thought

2008-04-26T14:40:00.004-04:00

We're back and life is no clearer than it was before. In the last week we have "tried on" at least eight different possibilities of lives. Instead, I'm sitting here in the coffee shop on the computer trying to figure it all out. What better way of doing that than by asking for ideas.

We are at the point where we realize that our business was not working at the speed that we thought it would. There are a lot of things that need to change in our business plan if we are going to stay here. The only other some-what viable option is to move to Albany, although this is seeming less likely at the moment. This leaves us in the position that we are going to take some time to regroup, get more financially stable, and reconfigure our business.

This all feels a little like defeat but I am trying to look at it more as a pause so that we can come back stronger. Of course the shop is closed for good, a wonderful woman has taken over our lease and is already opening her fabric shop. Because of the nature of the area we live in a regular acupuncture business won't work, people just don't have the money to pay for it. So we have been exploring the idea of opening a community acupuncture clinic, basically the treatments involve less talking and use needles on the arms, legs, and ears only, and the patient is treated in a community room with a bunch of recliners. The advantage is that you can treat up to five people an hour at a much less expensive rate (15- 40 sliding scale). I'll write more tomorrow or Monday about this.

Because of our work experience and our family situation we have decided that Kevin will look for the primary job while I look for something that I can do from home. I've started looking but there is an amazing amount of internet crap that shows up when you look for online jobs. If anyone has any ideas about legitimate resources I would love to hear about them.

Honestly, I really can't wait to feel stable again it is tiring trying to stay happy when you are worrying about how you are going to pay rent and bills. I'm done feeling sorry for myself and am ready to just push through and create our life from real things not just our imagination.

This has turned into much more of a journal entry than I was expecting I'll keep it up here anyway since I really would love any input.

Update part 2

2008-04-18T23:13:00.002-04:00

After a very long week in New York with Alder I am happy to say that Kevin is getting here tomorrow in time for Passover dinner with the family. Most of this week was spent just Alder and I checking out different neighborhoods and their playgrounds. In fact until today we were doing two playgrounds a day plus a lot of walking. Today we spent the afternoon with my cousin "aunt Amanda" and she and I got hair cuts and had a nice stroll in Central Park.

Sunday we're heading out on our adventure north to Maine.

Many many pictures when we return.

Update

2008-04-14T21:20:00.003-04:00

A lot of changes are going on right now, the first is that we have sublet the shop and are closing. Between the economic crunch going on and our own personal feelings about materialism it was hard to really push our products on people. Second we are heading up to Maine next week for an interview with a woman who is starting a community acupuncture clinic in Belfast (Maine). Third we are hoping to stop and talk to another clinic looking for a subcontractor in Portsmouth NH. The two other options we've been working with are: staying in Bennington and getting other jobs while Kevin tries to build the practice, possibly becoming a community clinic, or there is a job in Glens Falls NY, except it's part time for not a lot of money.

If anyone has any input on any of these ideas please share.

Oh yeah I am writing this from my Dad's in New York City where Alder and I am for the week. This all started as a weekend with my aunt and it's turned into an almost three week trip.

A Note

2008-04-10T09:07:00.003-04:00

If things seem a little sparse here it is because we are going through a lot right now. A long cold (for all of us), some possible changes, and a lot of need to spend time with Alder one my part. I've been feeling guilty about how much time I have spent trying to be by myself lately. In an effort to be more with my family and with the change in weather be outside I don't always get on the computer for days at a time. While the weather lasts I'll be out and about. Of course if real inspiration hits I'll share it here. Now all of you go out and enjoy the SPRING!!!

Listen to this!

On Running Away

2008-04-08T07:23:00.003-04:00

On Sunday Alder and I went for a drive, it was meant to be only twenty minutes away. But then I got it in my head that we would visit my godparent's who were of course not there. By then we were only a half hour away from Northampton, and what better place to walk around aimlessly and possibly find this book. So we turned our twenty minute drive into an hour and a half.

The trip turned into something more important. Life has been very hectic for the last six months and Alder has really gotten lost in the chaos (more on this and the changes being made soon). So for this day I let him lead. We spent almost and hour in this toy store, basically it's like walking into a Nova Naturals catalog. Then we walked around the Main Street twice until settling on Paul and Elizabeth's for lunch. I hadn't been there since lunch on the day I got married, and not almost five years later I was sitting there with my son.

A few hours and one warm chocolate chip cookie later we ended up at home to a delicious and good looking meal that Kevin created, involving pasta, sundried tomatoes, eggplant, sunflower seeds and some other goodies.

Thoughts on Reading and Writing, a review of Francine Prose's Reading Like a Writer

2008-04-03T10:03:00.007-04:00

Until recently I did not really understand how to read and see what great writing was. I either was infected with the habits of a student, determined to find the meaning in every pieces of fiction or read things on such a visceral level that the story flowed into me more than being consciously read. This was also how I would approach my own writing. First I would write from the soul feeling as if I was channeling someone else's tale. Then as I rewrote I first attack the grammar and then try to match and place the meanings I wanted to get across, a messy and ineffectual process. I would be happy when I would create a good sentence but I saw it as a random and special occurrence rather than a goal.

Last week I read Francine Prose's Reading Like a Writer. She starts the book focusing on words and works outwards through sentences and paragraphs and onto gestures, narration and further. Prose's main point is that great writers really do work to create great sentences, leave out whatever is unneeded and focus on the whole of what is presented. And, that readers today, especially in academia focus too much on meaning and not enough on the art of the writing. This does not mean that we should not search for meaning in the stories, only that it can be found through thorough reading not through a hunting.

Inspired by this and Molly, I picked up my copy of Fidelity by Wendell Berry. Choosing a story that I had not made notes in I read it for the words and feelings. I was left silent at the end.

This morning I picked up the same book and read another story, again for the words and feelings and was actually left with tears in my eyes by the end. Now I am beginning to understand what it means to write; and how much more than storytelling it is.

Afterwards, to amuse myself, I looked through one of the stories that I had marked up (thankfully in pencil) for an independent course on the importance of place I had taken a few years ago. First, I realized that I had no memory of the story. Then, seeing what I had underlined, it was obvious that my reading had been cursory, only reading for story line and 'relevant' phrases. Even in terms of the course I was taking this was unsuccessful, since much of the importance of place is found deeper not just in the sentences that mentioned place. There was so much more to the story than what I had seen during that first reading.

I realize now that so much of my distaste of certain books, most read for classes, was not because of the books themselves. Rather it was the method that we were trained to read them. My high school English courses resembled biology more than art. I remember specifically an entire quarter of ninth grade that was dedicated to Jane Eyre. This included two weeks spent on one chapter where we were given the task of dissecting and sourcing every single paragraph for meaning. At the end of the two weeks we took a test which we could bring notes to. My partner and I had ten typed pages of references and translations (and we were not 'smart' kids).

For what reason? I am sure at fifteen all I gained from the class was a distaste for anything written before 1950. This lasted until only a few years ago.

For those of you invested in your children's learning, especially at home, I suggest you read Prose's book. In someways it is a great form of parental deschooling. For that matter anyone who reads for pleasure should read it to see a new facet of any short story or novel. I think this is a book that I will pick up every few years as a reminder.

SALE!!!

2008-04-02T13:47:00.004-04:00

In an effort to start anew in all of our creative activities in our family I decided that part of the process would be to make room for more of our own goods so our shop will be having a sale on all kids toys and clothing this weekend 30% off.

Also everything in my etsy shop is 20% off!!!!

Here's to cohesiveness and beauty!!

The Rainy Day- in the life of

2008-04-01T11:18:00.005-04:00

Please note there is a guilty admission at the end of this post. Don't think any lesser of me for it ;)

2 am a small warm body creeps his way into bed and nestles down for another five hours of sleep.

7am I am awakened by kisses, pats on the head and finally a few tugs of my hair.

7:30 am a family breakfast of corn porridge (we are beginning to think that Alder has a thing for condiments, any condiment)

8 am Mama heads out for the Post Office and the shop to check email.

9:30 Alder and Mama tackle the living room and entrance way...and sweeping.

11am yogurt snack and an attempt at a nap for A (a mama can dream can't she?)

12:30 out for a rainy day walk around town (stop by to see Papa)

1pm spontaneous play date with 5 other kids, all sorts of ages. (Patti I'll give Kim's email she has more Nova news), a bunch of Mama's hanging out playing with babes and buttons (my friend is the button source)

4:30 pm home for brief melting child, then naked child, then child hurling fork and eggplant at Mama's head.

5:30 pm join Papa at the shop to hangout while a friend has an appointment.

5:30- 7:30 pm happy Alder, naked Alder, more happy naked Alder, not so happy Alder.

7:30 pm Alder (dressed) and Papa go home I'm having a little down time.

8pm- 5:30 am Mama gets totally sucked in and stuck. Sucked into Heroes and watching the second 2/3s on Netflix. Stuck because there are lots of banging on the nearby doors, and the guys who live in this building are rough.

5:30- 9:45 sleep...nap.

So once a year or so I get sucked into watching some TV series on disk all the way through, an unintentional marathon. This is the real reason we don't have a TV, Mama get way too sucked in. I do have to say that if you at all like graphic novels then you'll probably like Heroes, it isn't art but it's fun. Of course since I don't have a TV it is possible that everyone on the planet has already heard of Heroes.

love notes

2008-03-28T12:22:00.005-04:00

Keep close to yourself.
In my other words, continue to honor that beautiful creature, you. Every thought, action and project that defines you is worth your time and undoubtedly is right. Again, not the right words but I'm trying to say that you are definitively distilling you. You are so dear. I love you.

Whose day could not cheer up after receiving that in an email from a dear friend across the country?

Grandma and Grandpa's visit

2008-03-27T13:52:00.004-04:00

Just some pictures from the visit not a lot to say today.